Self Love w/ Coach Kathei

[00:00:01] Speaker A: I'm Leela Ree. [00:00:02] Speaker B: And I'm Nick B. [00:00:03] Speaker A: Listen, we're just two single girls from the city of Roses discussing all things love, lust and perception. [00:00:09] Speaker B: And roses are a symbol of all things beautiful about love. [00:00:12] Speaker A: But as you know, love can get a little dirty. So we're here to talk about it. [00:00:16] Speaker B: Dirty Roses podcast starts now. [00:00:19] Speaker A: Hey, I'm Leela Ree. [00:00:20] Speaker B: And I'm Nick B. [00:00:21] Speaker A: And welcome to dirty Roses podcast. Welcome. We are being joined today by somebody special to me because I need help. I need all the help I can get. [00:00:32] Speaker B: Don't we all, though? [00:00:33] Speaker A: Yeah, we do, because I'm clearly a jacked up individual. I'm just joking because if I said that she gonna get me, she gonna have a private session later and be like, nali, I don't like what you said, and we're not gonna put that out there, okay? But we talked about this in previous seasons, about this self awareness, this accountability, this healing, this whole thing about taking care of yourself, loving on yourself, and being the best you possible that you could be for other people because we talk about relationships and all those things. Right? So I have a life coach, and my life coach is fucking amazing because I love her so fucking much. I actually met her in Seattle when she came and did a thing for our job. And she's been working with us periodically for a while now and then I've been working with her one on one. But she has a lot of experience, an amazing life story that has led her to where she's at. And maybe she'll share a little bit with us about that. But we've got my coach, Kathy from fierce coaching and consulting here, joining us today talking about a little bit of self love. Yes. And I guess that's my story. Yeah, I mean, we always start with the story, but that kind of was my story. Like, I need help and she's my help as I navigate life. Navigate life. [00:01:48] Speaker B: I mean, there's a lot to navigate. [00:01:49] Speaker A: There is. [00:01:50] Speaker B: We all need that somebody to get through it. [00:01:53] Speaker A: That part. That part. So, Nick B. [00:01:55] Speaker B: Yes. [00:01:55] Speaker A: Have you done the therapy thing, the life coaching thing, anything? [00:01:59] Speaker B: So I've actually never had a life coach. I've been approached by a few life. [00:02:04] Speaker A: Coaches because they see that you. [00:02:07] Speaker B: Well, because they see that I need to get my life together. So there's that. But I haven't actually worked with a life coach, primarily because my insurance doesn't cover life coaches, they cover traditional therapy, which I've done plenty of different sessions of therapy throughout life. There's many reasons starting young, coming from a two parent or obviously two parents, but a broken house. So as a young child, I had early therapy, just dealing with separation and divorce and then growing up and just trying to find your way. There's always good times to check in, I feel. And so, no, I've never done a life coach, but, yes, I have done counseling therapy like that. Which actually brings me to my biggest question that I have that I've never really had clarification on is what actually is the difference between a life coach versus a therapist? [00:03:03] Speaker C: Good question. Good question. So a therapist. Let me start there. A therapist, one goes backwards, goes back into your past about what happened, helps you make sense of it, gives you clarification of what you took on and the things that transpired, just like you started to mention about being raised in your home and the things that you took on as a child, where life coaching is about moving forward. And so what we do is really acknowledge where you are now and where do you want to be. And our role is to walk alongside you as you get there and give you tools and strategies to get to where you want to be. [00:03:42] Speaker B: So then to help someone get to where they want to go, is there a portion of diving into their past to understand their present, to move forward? [00:03:52] Speaker C: Absolutely. Because one of the gifts that I have, and Lee could attest to this, is seeing patterns. And so in my work, I'm a healing coach. And so my work is to deal with past traumas, drama, and your mama. And so the things that started to shape how you saw yourself, how you saw the world and the patterns that you now create based on those beliefs, I definitely identifies those for you. And the work is really to say is like, is that who you want to be now? And my work, I love people to be in therapy and be in life coaching. I think they are a perfect team together to help you kind of make sense of and heal from some past stuff, but then also push you into the next version of yourself. [00:04:36] Speaker A: Now question. Because you say that you're working with people on how to kind of deal with the now, right? So how long does coaching like? Because I feel like I could go to you forever. But is there an endpoint? Yeah. [00:04:50] Speaker B: How do you know when you've made it there? [00:04:52] Speaker C: If you're talking about Coach Kathy myself, I believe that I walk alongside of you. I don't believe that I'm ahead of you. I don't believe that I'm better than you. My work is rooted in that you are worthy and so you are worthy for someone, like I said, jesus had a team of twelve. Why can't you, so why can't you have a team of people to help you get through life and you deserve it, you're worthy of it. And so however long you need that, if you need it for one season, all seasons of your life, like I am, one who always has someone guiding and checking in with and helping hold me accountable. The accountability isn't about, are you doing right, are you doing good? Are you moving forward? My accountability is, are you making choices from your highest, best self? That's what I want to help you do, and I want to help walk with you as you learn how to do that. [00:05:41] Speaker B: So if a new client comes to you and their primary focus is to untangle and unwind their past, would you recommend that they go to a therapist because you're more focused on the today and tomorrow, not so much on yesterday. And why yesterday? Do you ever refer someone not to. [00:06:05] Speaker C: Come to you, to just be honest? [00:06:08] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:06:10] Speaker C: Could I test? [00:06:11] Speaker A: Yeah, please. [00:06:13] Speaker C: Bullshit. I think it's too black and white, it's too this and that. It's not about that. It's about relationship. It's about building a relationship with the person that you're working with. And so if someone needs all of that, I'm probably not their right coach because I don't want to answer all those down questions for you because that to me are just based on like what I would say to you is, babe, you need to be in therapy because you need to deal with why you don't feel safe with somebody, that you need all these parameters to get safe. [00:06:44] Speaker A: That makes sense. And so for you, what has your journey been to get to the point to where you're at? Because you say everybody needs like a team of twelve, or not necessarily twelve people, but at least a team or somebody. Right? So what did your team look like and what was your journey like to get to this point here where you're able to help other people? [00:07:01] Speaker C: Yeah. I think my first journey to living my best life, living in my highest self, was through leadership. Believe it or not, I got promoted at work and I was a little fiery girl. I was talking shit, I was taking names and I knew everything. I was smart, but did not have what they would consider leadership characteristics. And so there was a gentleman who was my manager who would just leave me quotes and he would say, I see you, I see that you're smart, you're able, you're capable. And he didn't even talk about my edges. He didn't talk about the stuff that people didn't like about me or that made me hard to be around. He just fed into me what was good and was great and what he saw in me. And it was those quotes that started helping me to see how I showed up, and I started showing up differently. And really, it started this idea of, there is something about me that is gorgeous, is beautiful, is deserving and worthy. And someone finally saw it and said, I want to feed into that instead of all you get is feedback that you're terrible and bad. And so it was really, as I became in the work that I did, I started off as a lead. I went to a supervisor and to a manager. And so that was where I saw the benefits of learning to love myself, learning to show up differently, being confident in how the world had told me, especially a black girl in a majority, it was a lot of white folks. I was like five black folks out of 230 people. And so really being beat up, it was that. And then from there, I had, like, executive coaching. And then I read a book called Jesus Life Coach, and I was practicing Christian then, and that changed my life because that premise is what I do today is walk alongside people that I no longer needed, this hierarchical, that I had to be the coach to fix you or change you. No, you good now. And, you know, that's my work. You're good now. There's nothing missing, nothing that needs to be broken. And so when I started to find people, so I still have a master life coach now who walks me kind of through and holds me accountable to who she knows that I am. I've been through, like, if I can give you coursework and my own, I am a certified life coach. And so I did go to school to become a life coach. I have what they call a diploma and a certificate. And so I wanted to really like when my trauma story that's prevalent here is my son died. I decided I was going to leave my 21 year career, and I was going to become a life coach. And I had been coaching kind of in a leadership way, but not in a personal development way. And where I felt that I shined was helping people become their best selves. And so I did all the work for myself. I continue to do the work. And you know this. I don't think the work ends. I don't think it's like we're becoming. All we're doing is being held accountable to being our best self. That's it. That's how I see it. [00:10:10] Speaker A: That part I know. Nick we talk a lot about being our best selves in relationships and things. Like, just, I wonder how, as single people, because now we're clearly very single, nicole, maybe not habitually dating no more, but, you know, but very single. But how does this idea of self love and this self awareness and all those things, how does that play into dating and relationships? [00:10:37] Speaker B: Yes, this is a personal question for me. [00:10:41] Speaker C: I love it. One is self love. Let me define self love because I think that will be helpful in how I define it. And I define self love as this full acceptance that I am enough right now. Just full acceptance that I am worthy and I am deserving. I'm love. I'm lovable. I'm worthy of love. Like, standing in that acceptance that self love is really about loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved. And if you know that you're worthy of good love, then you won't love the hell out of yourself. So when you think about dating and relationships, one thing is that one, let's be really intentional, like, are we dating or are we recording? To me, I might be old school, but those are two different. [00:11:27] Speaker A: Okay, so I'm sorry, we both need. [00:11:29] Speaker B: To interject, what's the difference? Because I actually thought they were a different way of saying the same thing. So what's the difference in dating and court? [00:11:36] Speaker C: Dating is, to me, having fun. Go figure. To me, in dating is really understanding who you are, how you act with people, how you interact with people, what energy works for you, what doesn't. And so there's no strings attached. It's a fun thing. It should really be about pleasure, and the courting is about to marriage. And so if you're courting, that means that this will lead to marriage. And so dating just leads to dating. Courting leads to marriage. And so you decide intentionally. What are you doing? [00:12:12] Speaker B: I agree with absolutely your description of each word. I don't know that at least anyone who I've ever been involved with has ever used the word courting. And not to say that they aren't using it, just me, but I'm thinking in general, I don't know that people still use the phrase courting. How would I know if they think that they are in the courting phase with me or if I want to be in the courting phase with somebody else? But that's not the language we're using. How do we identify where we are in that space when language is so lost? [00:12:50] Speaker C: Yeah, that's a very good question. And I think to answer that, how, you know one is what do you want. I think there's this often, like, we're waiting for this other person. Like, who cares if they're courting or dating or not? What are you doing and leading with that idea? What do you want? So when you go to the date, so you have the conversation of I want to date, I think you bring that up. That's one thing. I think that's how self love shows up, is that when self love really builds this confidence that I am the gift. [00:13:26] Speaker A: We'Re going to unwrap this gift, okay? [00:13:32] Speaker C: To choose who opens it and who doesn't and how it's opened. And so I get to say, like, this is dating, but how you can tell if someone is courting, and most of the time you've named it really well, that we don't use this language, but we use the expectation. Right. And so often it's commitment. Like, commitment is the one thing. If you're committed and moving, that's probably courting. If you have a clear, intentional commitment. Not that I'm just saying, but we've talked about it. We're not dating anyone else. We're not going out with anyone else. It's you and I that should be in the level of courting. [00:14:07] Speaker B: So then question. Because now my mind is really thinking about intention. Right? What if you have a client that comes to you that prefers an open relationship? How do you have conversations with about intention and about. I don't even know if monogamy is the right word to use if you're talking with people that don't want a traditional monogamous relationship. What does courting look like in that relationship? [00:14:37] Speaker C: Wonderful. And I said, I love it. And the reason I love it is because the thing with open relationships that has to be operating is consent. I think that's what you're looking for, is consent. It's a consensual practice. Meaning we have to be like this. Is that next level communication shit. This ain't for just the Okie doke people who think they know how to communicate. If you are in an open relationship, you must know how to communicate. Not passive aggressively, not out of your trauma, not out of your assumptions, but really about making the request, about what do you need? And so I have a client right now in an open relationship, and it's been the best thing for her. Oh, hallelujah. Because she's no longer in shame about what makes her feel good and what she needs. That's self love practice number one of really being in this space of. I don't care what the world says. I don't care what my family says. This is how I was created. This is how I like to be in relationship, and I'm good. That's how she's sitting in it, and it feels good. As her coach and how we've worked. One, she's in a poly relationship, which consent is their practice, and so it's built into poly relationships around consensual. I want to have two women and one man. I want to meet on Mondays and Wednesdays with the man and Tuesdays and Thursdays with the woman. It is at that clear. [00:15:58] Speaker A: Your man is my man. He's your man. [00:16:02] Speaker C: That's some grown woman shit. Yeah. [00:16:05] Speaker A: Okay. So, with the consent thing, right? And I think we had this discussion several seasons ago with the Polly conversation, where there's, like, a thought process or a myth about it, where women consent to Polly because they just tired of getting cheated on. And so when you say consent, somebody could give consent and it not be, like, what they actual consent of what they want. So how does that play? Because that feels like a level of not self love. And also, how do you get to a point to where you can verbalize that consent? [00:16:40] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think consent is more than, like, yes, no, you could touch me not. It's, like, really getting clear about why you're in this relationship, what you expect and need from this relationship, and you make those intentions very clear. I get that. There are people who. I think what I said is, one, this isn't like dating one on one. You're at the PhD level of dating and poly relationships. So this ain't for the faith. That's why I said it ain't for the ones who can't communicate. So those folks that you're talking about, they won't laugh in the poly. [00:17:16] Speaker A: So that's the polyfuckery that we were. [00:17:18] Speaker C: Talking about, because they'll be jealous. And it's not that those things don't happen in the poly relationship, but again, they have more open communication and dialogue around talking about it. Got you. [00:17:32] Speaker A: That makes sense. Okay. So, for me personally, coming out of a very long term marriage. Right. And we might have talked about this in our sessions, but coming out of a long term marriage and getting into the dating game, not knowing if I want to be in a committed relationship or not knowing if I want to just play around or have a good time, I guess what I communicate to people is I'm not looking for a commitment right now, but if it happens naturally, cool. I'm okay with that, but that doesn't feel very directed or intentional. And I feel like at times that could be confusing for somebody who might be wanting to court. Although I'm open to it, I'm just not looking for it or jumping into it right away. So how does someone navigate that who doesn't know what they want? [00:18:18] Speaker C: You want to have fun, but what. [00:18:21] Speaker B: If I'm okay with being courted, too? [00:18:23] Speaker C: Okay, so you do get to choose. I think that's possible. But the question is, how do you stand in that ambiguity and not pull someone along? I think it is like you keep talking about, where are we? What's going on? One of the things that I wrote down as I started to think about self love was really about how do you stay in the present and you're not future tripping or fantasy making, right. It's like, what do you need now? What's present now? What's true now for you and I are. [00:19:03] Speaker A: Yeah, both Nick B. And I are overthinkers. I think we future trip a. [00:19:11] Speaker C: Now because it's all the what ifs and this, and you miss out on the fun that's happening now. [00:19:16] Speaker A: Even though our future scenarios are pretty. [00:19:18] Speaker B: Funny, our future scenarios are pretty amazing. [00:19:20] Speaker C: They have a funny. [00:19:22] Speaker A: But then how do you prevent that? [00:19:26] Speaker B: Right. Because I feel like we have either overactive imaginations or just no good sense. I'm not sure which it is. A little bit of both. [00:19:35] Speaker C: Is the practice what we're talking about self love? Because when you move into the practice of really it is. If I could put on my coach hat here, this healing coach hat is that. That work that you're doing is really from trauma. It's a trauma response, and you're trying to feel safe. And so when we future trip, we try to protect ourselves from what might happen. And that's a trauma response. [00:20:00] Speaker B: Okay. That makes sense. [00:20:01] Speaker C: We have to heal from. So we have to do work like what I call grounding. I have to do a lot of grounding. So in my healing work, one of the things was I would what they called fly away. What my coaches would say is, like, I'm never present. I was always in fantasy, or I was in the future, or I was on another planet, and it was like the work was, how do I pull myself down? How do I come to earth? Because for us who have been trauma have lots of trauma, the earth has not been safe for us. It hasn't been always fun for us. And so we love to be in fantasy and all this outside shit. And so it is how do you feel safe in your body again? [00:20:39] Speaker B: Well, dang, Lee, you and I, we are some non grounded, unstable as. [00:20:48] Speaker A: Think love. [00:20:49] Speaker C: It's just awareness. [00:20:53] Speaker A: Because I know that we've talked. Well, Nick B. And I talked a lot about insecurities and how we've gotten there. But what are some tips and tricks or things like you said, grounding, right? So what are some things that people like us or anybody could. [00:21:07] Speaker B: How do we ground ourselves when we start? Because we'll notice it. We are aware when we're flying off at the hinges because we done. I mean, I've met people, been, had they baby, engaged, broke up, divorced, and then single again. In my head, all in a matter of a day, an hour, I'm like, so I met my baby daddy yesterday, and we getting married next week. I don't know it yet, but we're expecting. [00:21:34] Speaker A: Then tomorrow, he's getting married again on Instagram. [00:21:37] Speaker B: I'm not trying to date him no more because he wants me to send pictures of my feet. [00:21:42] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Yeah, there's that. [00:21:47] Speaker C: I think what I would say to you about the awareness that you're going away is huge. So to know that you're flying away is really huge. But the grounding is. And as you use the example that you said, like, hey, you meet somebody and you're like, oh, that's my baby daddy. You're already at a wedding. [00:22:06] Speaker A: You don't take off. You fly off the edge, like, instantly. You're flying, like full fledged wings flapping. [00:22:14] Speaker C: You all have to be in the space. Remember, you're the gift. And so it's really about filling yourself. It's really about practicing how you're so damn full that when the dude come in the picture, like, he's just a couture mont, he ain't the thing you already full of yourself. That's the thing. The grounding for me had to be. What are the things that turn me on? Because we only know pleasure through sex. What are the pleasure things that make you so happy and giddy and make you damn near wet? Are there foods? [00:22:50] Speaker B: I was going to say I'm almost the opposite. I don't actually feel much pleasure from sexual attention. That turns me off early in a relationship. [00:22:59] Speaker A: Well, I think you get turned off by the hyper sexualization of a conversation before you get to know somebody, which happens. I mean, that's usually really quick in. [00:23:08] Speaker B: A relationship, and it does happen a lot. And so I'll talk with Lee. And, hey, you know, I met someone. I think he's cool. And then all of a sudden, once the conversation switches to being hypersexualized, I'm like, yeah, I don't think it's going to work for me. Meanwhile, I've only known the guy for a week, and I'm over it. [00:23:28] Speaker C: That should be something that, you know, is a boundary for you. Is that when they start, because pleasure, again, we went right to sex. And that's what I'm talking about. We don't know pleasure. We are always in a pain story or a punishment story or a struggle story that we have no relationship with pleasure outside of sex. And so it's. How do you figure? One of the things that I would give someone on their first journey is like, the five senses. Like, what are foods that just turn your ass on that make you damn near wet? What are smells that turn you on? What are touches? Things that you can touch, something that you can see that just like, because we wait for some man or some other thing to turn us on, we don't need them to turn us on. We got the pleasure points all in our body. And we are so unfulfilled that when a little raggedy dude come by, we talk about he's our next baby's mom. Daddy. [00:24:26] Speaker A: Okay, coach Kathy, I need to circle back because I think my co host has an issue. [00:24:32] Speaker B: Because you said, what smells turn you on? [00:24:35] Speaker A: This bitch said, gasoline and grass. Something is not right with you. [00:24:40] Speaker C: First of all, what you're not going. [00:24:41] Speaker B: To do is act like going to the gas station to get your car pumped ain't the best smell ever. [00:24:45] Speaker A: Gasoline don't make me wet. [00:24:46] Speaker B: Oh, my God. First of all, fresh cut grass. [00:24:50] Speaker C: I sneeze, I have allergies. [00:24:54] Speaker B: I'm like, that's manly of you, coming in here smelling like outside. [00:24:58] Speaker C: Even when your co host is like, that's some crazy shit. You're like, no, that's what turns me on. [00:25:03] Speaker B: There you go. Okay. That's self love. [00:25:06] Speaker A: Go ahead, self love. [00:25:07] Speaker B: I'm not going to say that shit gives me wet. It doesn't turn me on, like, romantically. But if I had to pick a. I'm like, yeah, listen. [00:25:15] Speaker C: See, we just so damn sexual. But that's okay. [00:25:19] Speaker B: But you use the word wet. I don't know how in a non sexual way. [00:25:24] Speaker C: What I mean by turned on too is like, all your cylinders are on, right? And do we only know that, like. [00:25:29] Speaker B: A car, gasoline back to that? [00:25:33] Speaker C: Because we know it from a sexual way of getting wet and for sex and hot and that. But when I mean turned on too, is like, is there something you do? Like, when I do public speaking, for instance, I feel turned all the way on. All buttons are on, and I'm on all cylinders, and it's like, this is life. It's a whole different feeling. [00:25:54] Speaker A: Is it kind of like that natural high? That natural high that you get from doing something right? Like, what is it that gets you that natural high? [00:26:00] Speaker C: Feel like you're in, like you have all the right answers. You know what to say. You feel good in your body, like, all the things. Just seems like you're aligned with why you are on earth or why you're why. And it doesn't have to be a purpose job thing. That's why I said it could be through your five senses. It's really awakening your pleasure zones so. [00:26:22] Speaker B: That give me a man to cut my grass. [00:26:24] Speaker C: Fill yourself up. [00:26:25] Speaker A: Did you even have any grass? [00:26:26] Speaker B: Fill up my gas tank. We go together real bad. [00:26:31] Speaker A: Gas is expensive. [00:26:32] Speaker C: That's the thing with dating is for you, I would be like, hey, let's go meet at the park. Like, maybe there's fresh cut grass. You might want to sit on the. I mean, like, there's always. [00:26:45] Speaker B: If you roll around in the grass, bitch. Rolling that shit. We going home after this. [00:26:50] Speaker A: Oh. [00:26:54] Speaker B: My God. [00:26:55] Speaker C: We having a picnic today because I know you want to get all of. [00:26:57] Speaker B: In that grass. [00:26:58] Speaker A: Oh, my God. And again, just so special. I cannot. Okay, totally off topic there. Okay, so what are some misconceptions about self love that people have? [00:27:13] Speaker C: I think a lot of misconceptions about self love are that it's about body. Like, loving your body, just the physical body. And a lot like, when I first started self love, and anytime I always tell people to start self love with a physical body because it's easy. It's really like, I spent a lot of time really loving my body. But the misconception is that's where it stops. It's like, more body positivity or loving all parts, but I go to loving the bitch you know, I am. I'm, like, loving all parts of you. Like, you are a diamond. You're multifaceted. And how do you love the bitch and the ho and the good girl and all the girls that make up who you are? [00:27:54] Speaker B: Now, this is something that I know I can personally dive into that I have struggled with. How do you coach folks to accept someone else's self love? And I can use the example of, I know someone who their self love chose themselves, chose to remove themselves from their friends. And so then being their friend, you were left behind, and it's because they're choosing self love and where you want to support them. Be like, I want you to be happy. Ultimately, if removing yourself from people who loves you is what makes you truly happy, I guess I have to support that. But on the flip side. On the flip side, yeah. [00:28:46] Speaker A: Bitch, I want to love you, but you're taking. [00:28:48] Speaker B: Yourself away from me. [00:28:49] Speaker A: I don't know what to do with that. [00:28:51] Speaker B: So bring that loving on back. Right? So it's like, how do you coach folks to work on accepting someone else's version of their self love and you still being able to be happy, too. [00:29:07] Speaker C: So I think that's such a real life question, and I've done it to people, and I've had it done to me. So I think one thing is really what I hear in your language, because one thing that I hear is patterns and language, and that's why the language that I have is there's some grief that you have to do. So you're hurt, and that you have to deal with that first. You must grieve the loss of your friend. It happened. It hurts. That's where you're flying away, too. You got to sit in that. [00:29:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:41] Speaker C: So I would be coaching them right there. I would be right in the grief. And then what I would say is, how do you honor them and give them gratitude for the season you had with them, knowing that you could still love them from afar? It doesn't change. It may change how you interact with them, but it doesn't mean you stop loving them. And I'm telling you, when we start freeing ourselves, part of the work of liberation is that my liberation frees other people. And you'll get to a point eventually, I'll coach you to the place where you're like, that's a North star. That's a badass move that that person made. And I'm about to make a move similar. And you'll get to that place where they're leading you to a place of choosing yourself, even if it means you have to walk away from people that love you. Yeah. [00:30:35] Speaker B: I was always curious what that conversation. [00:30:39] Speaker A: Because we talk a lot about love languages and all those things, and there's always that issue of people love other people with the love language that they want to receive, not necessarily with the love language that that person wants to receive or wants to give or give. Right. And so then it's like you said, how do you navigate those differences and how you do that? [00:30:58] Speaker C: And you have to also take into play that people also there's energy. And so often when people make choices, it's like, I don't like what my body feels like when I'm with this person or with this group of people. I don't like who I am with them. And so the best act of love that I can do is not put myself in that position. And so often, there isn't anything that was done or anything. It's just like, I have some people in my life when I'm with them, my nervous system goes, and I can't even get myself grounded. And so why would I put myself in that situation over and over? That's not an act of love. [00:31:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:38] Speaker A: Now, last season, we talked about red flags, orange flags, yellow flags, all those things. Right? And we talked about, when someone exhibits a flag, do you walk away? Do you let them fix it? Do you love them through it, those things? And there was kind of like an impasse in a certain area where we're like, well, there's some people who could be loved through a flag. Not necessarily like a drop dead, red bloody flag. But maybe, I mean, because we got to be extreme. You know what I'm saying? It's extreme. But I'm just saying, like, there are certain things that you could love somebody through, or somebody could be working on their own self love process, which then presents a flag for you. How do you navigate somebody who you might really care for in a relationship, intimately wise, that may be exhibiting some things that aren't necessarily horrible but aren't good? [00:32:30] Speaker B: So an orange flag. [00:32:31] Speaker A: Like an orange flag. Right. How do you navigate that while maintaining your own self love but still wanting to love on a person who's in their process? [00:32:40] Speaker C: Good question. I think one thing that I would do if I was in a relationship, like, it happens. I've been married for 25 years. I'm going through this all the time, and I've been hella different versions of Kathy. And one of the things that I think the orange flags I'm seeming that's a little more cautious. I think red flags, to me, are non negotiables. I don't understand. Aren't they red flags for a reason? But the orange, I say, are the ones that you. Because this really is about, I feel like I'm going into my coach mode, but it's really about how do you. Because often we're making it about someone else, and it's really always about you. And so what is it that you need to care for? Like, that's what self love helps you define what it is to care for me. What does it take for someone in relationship with Kathy to care for me? And I'm very intentional. You call me on my birthday, you do these things, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so when you think about that, how can you then say to someone who loves you, who's in an intimate relationship, this is what I need, instead of this is what you do wrong. Because we're used to punishment. We're used to being in shaming. And how do you come in love, self love is a practice of love, inward and out. So how do I love someone back to life is instead of pulling out all their terrible things and shaming and punishing him, it's about what do I need? And so it might look like I need to come home to a house that's quiet when I come home from work. And so when you're blaring music, especially music that has vulgar language, it takes me off of my game, or I can't settle whatever that thing is. And most of us are not good at asking and making requests for what we need. We make it about that person being insufficient. [00:34:32] Speaker B: I'm going to start telling people, listen. [00:34:35] Speaker A: If you want to date me, I need gasoline and grass. Gasoline and grass. Okay, so for people pleasers, I feel like I'm a people pleaser. I know Nick B's a people pleaser. [00:34:50] Speaker B: Only some of the, I mean, because. [00:34:52] Speaker A: You have better boundaries, maybe I engage in bullshit. And I do engage in bullshit. It's not necessarily people pleasing, that's boredom. [00:35:00] Speaker B: But I think we're both accommodating folks. [00:35:02] Speaker A: It is. So for people pleasers, how do you set those boundaries? Or how do you make those asks, what are some ways to make that comfortable for somebody who is very uncomfortable doing that? [00:35:15] Speaker B: Yeah, because I don't like hurting people's feelings. [00:35:17] Speaker C: That's a good question. I am an ex people pleaser. And so I know I practice every day not trying to please people. And it's a practice, like I call all the things and tools that I give my clients practices because we're not perfect. We're never trying to be perfect is. We're practicing. It's a muscle that often is not used. And so we have to keep using it. And so for me, it looks like saying no more, which is hard. And I have accountability partners. Like I called my sister and like, I need to say no here. It's really hard. I want to say yes. Can you hold me accountable to a no? I don't explain anything anymore. And so before I used to say, hey, I need to reschedule because this happened in my life and this happened in my life so that I can make them happy and not mad at me because I have to reschedule. And now I just say, I need to reschedule, period. [00:36:10] Speaker A: That's funny you say that, because Nick B. Had that situation where someone had. She had to reschedule on somebody. She gave an explanation. They rescheduled on her, did not give one, and she almost lost her shit. [00:36:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:23] Speaker C: No more. [00:36:25] Speaker B: I absolutely need to work on that. And that's because that's me being the people pleaser, is that I feel that it's a courtesy to explain why I'm unable to meet with you. It's like, I would love to meet with you. I can't because XYZ. And I feel like when I don't provide an explanation that it's rude and. [00:36:44] Speaker C: It is a muscle to understand that I'm enough right now. And there's nothing that they can say that will change it. And I don't need their approval around why I'm rescheduling. And for me, as a supervisor, I learned this muscle because if I had to hear all the reasons why people called in sick, then all of a sudden I had to have some scale of, okay, if you're throwing up, you get one day off, but if you got diarrhea, you got three. And I didn't give a damn. And so don't tell me why you sick. Just you not here. And so I kind of play that in. It's like, I'm not going to negotiate with nobody about why I can't show up. [00:37:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:17] Speaker C: And if it's someone that I'm in a real close relationship with, I might give them some, like, girl got some things going on, but if it's not, it's a reschedule, period. [00:37:27] Speaker B: See, I guess I expect that from a professional setting. I have a hard time accepting that from a personal setting. [00:37:35] Speaker C: Why? Tell me why. Let's do some coaching. Right on the spot. [00:37:39] Speaker B: Well, just for those reasons that it feels personal, like when you gave the example of calling in sick for work related reasons, I agree that trying to put a scale on reasons for being sick is kind of ridiculous. I'm not a doctor. [00:37:54] Speaker A: I'm not going to sit here. [00:37:55] Speaker B: So there's that. Right? But if I have a close personal friend who say we scheduled massages and then we were going to have this day of spending together and having a massage, and then all of a sudden, my friend is just like, sorry, not even sorry, we're going to have to reschedule. My natural inclination is going to be like, oh, well, what's going on? Well, how come? Because I know that person to where I feel like, well, why wouldn't you share that information? And again, this is a personal friend. This isn't just some. Anybody that doesn't know me. [00:38:34] Speaker A: But the last example was someone that was fairly new, right? The one that rescheduled. That didn't give you the reason? [00:38:41] Speaker B: No, I can't actually think of who you're talking about. [00:38:45] Speaker C: Don't name no names. [00:38:47] Speaker A: We ain't naming no names. Might be an athlete. [00:38:52] Speaker C: But I think what I would say to you about that is to really fit in that idea. Because what I would say to you, if you were my client and you were on the other side and we were coaching together, is that you got to deal with how it feels. I would be asking you where it sits in your body and what are you feeling to really get. Because what could they say that? Because you're still saying there's something that could prove that they could. So if they said they got a car accident, would that be okay? If they said they just want to sit home because they had a headache, it's either going to make you less mad. Do they have to prove that there is really a reason? [00:39:29] Speaker B: Why do you think it's about proving a reason? For me, it's just more about communication. I feel very cut off from communication when it's someone. [00:39:37] Speaker C: So then you, as the communicator could always say, because again, remember, I say, it always goes to, what do you need to feel cared for at this moment? So you could say, is everything okay? And they're like, yes. And they're like, okay, cool, right? [00:39:51] Speaker B: And then I'd be like, well, this is stupid. Then if everything's good with you, then I'll see you at the massage place. [00:39:55] Speaker A: Then it's not about communication. [00:39:59] Speaker C: Now. [00:39:59] Speaker B: You just don't want to. [00:40:00] Speaker C: So say that. Well, but that's your own insecurity, boo. [00:40:04] Speaker B: Right? But that's why I'm like, well, explain yourself, boo. [00:40:08] Speaker C: Okay, I have to explain myself? [00:40:12] Speaker B: No, because we're friends. [00:40:13] Speaker A: No. Okay, so how do we work through that insecurity? Because that is essentially coming from an insecure space. If I'm requiring an explanation from you, and if I say, if my further question is, well, is everything okay? Whatever. And they say, yes, everything is okay, and there's no other explanation after that, why is that not good enough? And then how do we work on that? Part of ourselves that says that's not a good enough answer. [00:40:35] Speaker C: Well, or it's okay to want it too. I think what I'm trying to get you to is an intentional relationship that you're asking for. This. See, that's where we don't want to go, is to say, because I used to be mad year after year because my friends never texted or called me on my birthday, but I have to finally ask for it. I have to finally say, you know what? To be my friend. I really want you to call me on my birthday. So if you consider yourself my friend and we're in a friendship, it means so much to me to get a text or a call from you. That's the next level we have to go to. So if this is what you need in a relationship with somebody, you need to ask for it and stop expecting them to just know and to deal with your emotions. You have to be a big girl about it and be like, this is what I need. Can you do it or not? [00:41:24] Speaker B: No, I totally agree. I absolutely agree. And because I know the type of things that I need about me is usually why those types of people that kind of do those sort of things after I've probed a little bit, because I'm an inquisitive person. So if I've probed a little bit and it's still very vague, those tend to be people that I don't spend a lot of time with. And I know that about me. [00:41:46] Speaker A: Okay. So then in that case, probing feels. [00:41:50] Speaker B: Like a word that makes me go. [00:41:53] Speaker C: The word is like you're checking into care. Because it's really about, I think, shifting in our way of our love. Because it's not about what I'm not getting. It's about, are you okay? Because really, I think that's what you're saying is I'm concerned. This is someone I have a relationship with and they're all of a sudden canceling with no explanation. Are they? Okay. So the probing I'm hoping is being, are you okay? I'm worried. Just let me know you're good and everything's fine. Instead of them having to be in the midst of whatever is making them do that and try to care for you at the same time. Because often that's what happens. We're expecting for people to care for us in the midst of them going through their own shit instead of us caring for ourselves and caring for them. [00:42:38] Speaker A: I guess that's like a case by case then. It depends on who it is, right? [00:42:44] Speaker B: Because I would say, maybe the right word wasn't probe used, because maybe that does sound aggressive. And I don't think. [00:42:51] Speaker A: And very anal. It's very anal. Literally. [00:42:54] Speaker B: Like, I wouldn't consider myself an aggressive. Like, why can't you be there? [00:43:00] Speaker A: What happened? [00:43:01] Speaker B: What's going on? But I'll be like, yeah, everything. [00:43:03] Speaker C: I'm cracking up. That you all are kind of, like, going out, kind of getting on the defense. I'm not attacking you all. [00:43:09] Speaker B: No, well, maybe I am. I don't know. When you said you cringe, I was like, well, wait, maybe that was the wrong word to use because I wasn't trying to be cringey. [00:43:21] Speaker A: No, that was me. [00:43:23] Speaker B: No, you said probe pro. Didn't like the word probe. I was like, oh, well, maybe that's the wrong word to use. [00:43:29] Speaker A: It's scary. I think that is a thing we have to determine who we expect more communication from, because for you, if it's a really close friend, it is a care and concern because you want to make sure everything's okay. And why would you cancel? Because we're best friends or really good friends. You would never cancel. So why would you cancel? Make sure everything's okay. But in a dating scenario, if it's somebody that you're not familiar with and you're trying to get to know somebody, trying to hang out, and they don't give you the explanation, then they don't owe it to you because there's no relationship there, right? [00:44:03] Speaker C: Or you just put it out front. I think. I think y'all are so funny with all these say, I know Lee, though. I know how Lee's understanding stuff and trying to really help people. And I think, what about it is you love yourself so much. How do you teach someone how to love you? Like, that's self love. So when you're in a dating relationship, if you need those things right off, like, hey, don't just cancel with me. I like little explanations. Tell me why it's okay. It's really learning. What I say about self love is it's getting a PhD in you. What do you need? What makes you tick? What turns you on? What are your likes, dislikes? What are the things that. All the things. And the relationship is about teaching someone all about you and what makes you tip. And if they want to love you, they know how to care for you. [00:44:58] Speaker A: That's an interesting way to put about it, because I always think of being in a relationship or getting to know somebody was like me, getting to know them, and they should want to get to know me. But you're saying my job is to teach them about me. Yeah. [00:45:15] Speaker B: Even if they. [00:45:17] Speaker A: I guess you didn't chopped up a whole day life right now, it's not. [00:45:23] Speaker C: Done in an intentional way. Like, you're, like, I'm going to show on me. It's like you're doing you. You're already on your self love, so you're already rolling around in the grass, in the gasoline. You're inviting them on. [00:45:34] Speaker A: You're rolling around in gasoline. [00:45:40] Speaker C: On a hot day, how you demonstrate it. And so, no, it's a perfect dance once you really get that I am the gift and how this crosses over, even into for me and my business. When I lacked self love, I couldn't sell my products. I couldn't show up fully because I didn't really believe that I was the gift. I really didn't believe that I can help people, coach them through stuff. I really had a thought that I was flawed and I was broken. But when I finally understood who I was, I could get clients anywhere. It doesn't matter. I'm confident in who I am. And so that shows up when you're in dating situations. They're like, yeah, what can you add. [00:46:29] Speaker B: To me on the topic of clients? So in your practice, are you able to have clients anywhere? Or is it like therapy that you have to be licensed in the state in which the people you're seeing. [00:46:42] Speaker C: No, I can see people anywhere. [00:46:44] Speaker A: Okay. That's the perk about the difference between life coaching, because trying to understand some. [00:46:51] Speaker B: Of the differences and that's pretty cool. [00:46:54] Speaker A: Gotcha. I love it. Okay, so I'm going to go back to our dating stuff. So Nick B. And I have. We're in similar boats but with different timeframes. Right. So Nick B. Has been single for a lot longer than I have. But I've been single for a little bit long, a little bit less longer. But we're having some of the same. Right. So. But Nick B. Has had more time to figure out what it is that she likes, what she wants. And we have these conversations where she's like, after three conversations, I know that I'm not feeling what this is. I don't like it. I'm going to cut them off. And I'm like, oh, give them a try. Oh, it's not that bad. And she's like, no, I've already been to this. I'm not doing it again. But in that same vein. Right. When you get to this place where you're trying to be courted or trying to court and you've been single for a long time and you figured out who you are and what you want, what you don't want. How do you navigate dating? Because it feels like you're cutting everybody off at the drop of a dime because you know what you don't want, but the pool is shitty. [00:47:54] Speaker C: Am I cutting everybody out? That's a good question. Well, one thing about how your self love journey shows up is when you really stand in self love, you become love. And you attract love, you will attract it. The cut offs will be less. And because you will be attracting those that are attracted to love. And I say that just because I know it to be true. And it's been my life. It's how I attract everything of my clients and everything. I don't have cards. I'm referral only. And I trust that the love I send out comes back. Really, what it is, is, I think one thing that I continue to hear is there is this. Because it's never about them. It's always about you. And so it's all these experiences. It's like going to McDonald's and then Burger King and then trying Arby's and then going to some other place. Secret. All of it is good. All of it is experiences. All of it is needed. And so you don't see it as anything but such. And so it's like, hey, this person came into my energy field. Hey, the red flags came up. Hey, because guess what? In order to attract, you have to release. And so we can't get away from the releasing. We can't get away from the letting go if we want to bring in new opportunities, new things. You got to let go every day. Letting go. [00:49:28] Speaker A: Okay, so what are some daily practices and mantras or affirmations or things that people could do, like, in their daily lives that could promote this, that could encourage self love or things. I know that you gave me a quote that I am perfect. Nothing is wrong with me. Those things. So what are some things that people could do daily to invoke self love? [00:49:49] Speaker C: They would say, like, as you get dressed, love on every part of your body. Thank it for all the things that it has done for you. Thank it for where it's about to take you. Really be in the presence about your body and loving it. All the flaws and all accepting and affirming it. I am worthy is always one that I tell folks, because really the opposite of self love is shame. And so what we want to go into is I am worthy. I am worthy of love. And so when the voices come and the overthinking, you could just settle in with, I am worthy. I am enough right now. If I did nothing else, I'm enough right now as is. And really understanding that and sitting in that, that's what I would just say as a daily thing and then find the little thing that for me, I can continue to hear. If you know my story, my story is I make everything hard and I feel like I have to suffer. And so when I want to be in love, it's like things are easy. They flow to me easily and effortlessly. Things are not hard. They're light. And I just affirm the places where I want to be. That's it doesn't have to be hard. [00:51:01] Speaker A: I like it. [00:51:05] Speaker C: Choosing you is an act of self love. And so when you make choices based on you and not what other people think or what other people want, or you just choose for you, that's an act of self love every day. [00:51:18] Speaker A: Can you say the one quote that you tell me to say? [00:51:21] Speaker C: You are perfect, lacking nothing. All of you is beautiful. All of you is sacred. All of you is holy. No thing is missing and no thing is broken. [00:51:34] Speaker B: I need you to email that to me. We're going to put that on the social media so that everybody can truth. [00:51:41] Speaker C: Every day and believe that I love it. [00:51:45] Speaker A: Nick B. [00:51:46] Speaker B: Yes. [00:51:46] Speaker A: Okay. So with all this being said, what is your takeaway today? [00:51:50] Speaker B: Oh, gosh. Well, my takeaway, my biggest takeaway, I guess, is more or less accepting where other people's boundaries are and also acknowledging my own and making my boundaries really clear with others without expecting them to know my boundaries, without telling them what my boundaries are. That's being vocal in letting them know. [00:52:15] Speaker C: Can I change your language? [00:52:17] Speaker B: Yes, you can. No, go ahead. Boundaries. [00:52:20] Speaker C: I don't think I spoke about boundaries. [00:52:22] Speaker B: No, that was just my takeaway. [00:52:23] Speaker C: I just think boundaries brings up a whole nother thing. I think what I would just say is what you're trying to say. I don't know. I just want to feel into. It's really how to care for me. I want you to say that. I want you to say that I want to teach people how to care for me. [00:52:39] Speaker B: So instead of saying, teaching someone what my boundaries are, the language I should use is I want to teach you how to care for me. [00:52:47] Speaker C: We're not should, but could and got you. I correct language. I'm just a language because we're powerful and we don't realize we're creating stuff when we talk. So that's why I correct it. But boundaries are really not to be. Expectations are what we share with other people. Boundaries are from me. Boundaries say, this is how you get into my space, and so I don't have to share it. It just is. But you're exactly right. Sorry. But that is. It's just really, like, how do you teach people how to care for you once you know what it takes to care for you fully? How do you teach others that you're in a relationship to do the same? [00:53:28] Speaker B: That's my takeaway. [00:53:29] Speaker A: I love it with the edits. That's what I was trying to say. She red lined your takeaway. [00:53:35] Speaker B: I like it. I got a whole bunch of red lines all over my essay. [00:53:37] Speaker A: But that was it. [00:53:39] Speaker C: That is perfect. What is your takeaway, outside of, like, I usually like to meet people because my first impression with people can be harsh, but I know that, you know, it's all love. Of course. It's just your first time meeting me. [00:53:55] Speaker B: Actually, I've really enjoyed this. [00:53:57] Speaker C: This is good. [00:53:58] Speaker B: Really good. [00:53:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:59] Speaker B: I've taken stuff away from this that I've never taken away from therapy. [00:54:02] Speaker A: See, and that's why I like her. She's fucking amazing. I love it. I want to say my takeaway is I'm just going to continue with the mantras that I'm enough as I am now because I'm always trying to improve. And I've been going through this whole, like, I'm being accountable, I'm bettering myself, but I'm actually enough in this moment. [00:54:19] Speaker B: Right. [00:54:20] Speaker A: And so that's a practice that I got to practice. But we gonna get there. But that's my takeaway today. Okay. I like it. Miss coach Kathy. If somebody wants to. Oh, well, we dance. Okay. If somebody wants to find you, whether it's for services just to follow your motivational presence. How can people find you? [00:54:40] Speaker C: Oh, I'm so raggedy right now. Coach Kathy.com. [00:54:44] Speaker A: A and that's. Spell that because I'm on Instagram. [00:54:47] Speaker C: I have some stuff on Instagram that will. [00:54:49] Speaker A: Okay, I was going to say spell your name because we call you Kathy. [00:54:53] Speaker C: Right. My spelling of Kathy is k a t h e I. [00:54:57] Speaker A: Okay, so coach Kathy Ei. [00:55:00] Speaker B: Yes. [00:55:00] Speaker A: So that's your website. And then on Instagram. What are you on Instagram? Same thing. Oh, beautiful. We love consistency. [00:55:07] Speaker B: Nick B. [00:55:08] Speaker A: Where can they find you? [00:55:09] Speaker B: So, of course, I can be found on all resources, outlets for dirty Roses podcast. [00:55:15] Speaker A: We have brochures. [00:55:18] Speaker B: All of our social media outlets. May that be our Facebook, our Instagram, our TikTok, and of course, if you want to reach me personally, I can be found on Instagram at Nick B. Underscore Nick B. That's Nick with the K. And Miss Leelore, where can we find you? [00:55:33] Speaker A: You can find me everywhere. L E I g h l a r I E. That's Leelore on every single social media platform, of course, dirtyrosespodcast.com, Dirtyroses podcast on everything. Leave us a review, leave us a voicemail. And if you want sponsorship, we do. We doing lots of sponsorship. We doing everything. So yeah, just hit us up in our DMs and coach Kathy, I'm going to see you at our next session. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. [00:56:07] Speaker B: Guess what, Rose buddies? [00:56:08] Speaker C: We are thrilled to introduce our new sponsorship packages. Be sure to hit us [email protected]. [00:56:15] Speaker B: To inquire how we can showcase your brand on our platform.