Healthy Co-Parenting w/ Jamilah & Elle

[00:00:01] Speaker A: I'm Leigh LaRie. [00:00:02] Speaker B: And I'm Nik B. [00:00:03] Speaker A: Listen, we're just two single girls from the city of roses discussing all things love, lust, and perception. [00:00:09] Speaker B: And roses are a symbol of all things beautiful about love. [00:00:12] Speaker A: But as you know, love can get a little dirty. So we're here to talk about it. [00:00:16] Speaker B: Dirty Roses podcast starts now. [00:00:19] Speaker A: Hey, I'm Leigh Laree. And I'm Nick B. And welcome to Dirty Roses Podcast. Yeah, I almost messed up our intro. It's okay. We do this a lot, so it's all right. [00:00:29] Speaker B: All right, let's do it, though. [00:00:30] Speaker A: Let's do it. You ready for today's episode? I'm ready. So today's episode, I again, know a lot about this. We start every episode with a story. So I'll throw out my story really quick before we introduce our guests. [00:00:39] Speaker B: Okay. But wait, what is our story today? [00:00:40] Speaker A: Our story is co parenting. [00:00:43] Speaker B: I know nothing about it, but I'm. [00:00:45] Speaker A: Ready to give all the thoughts and my epic fails. I'm gonna say epic fail. So, as y'all know, I'm divorced. Yay. Which requires co parenting. Yes, it's very difficult when your co parent lives across the country, but because our divorce was not, like, pleasant. It wasn't like. It wasn't like a battle. It was just that we didn't like each other by the end of it. You know what I'm saying? We didn't like each other. And there was a lot of unresolved feelings that my co parent has had towards me, which then has created a very toxic exchange for the very first part of our, like, trying to get things figured out. We've got a better flow with it now, but it took a lot of work, and it's still very difficult at times. And so I am excited to have this topic because I need to figure this out, especially because he has moved on. He has moved on. He's engaged. He has a new baby. And therefore, at some some point, I'm going to have to interact with this other person. At some point. See, my face gave it away. So I need help. And because of this, we've got some amazing guests. The first guest is a longtime friend of ours. She's already giggling because it's like inside jokes are just spewing out of her head already, and we haven't even gotten to her yet. I've known her since high school. You've known her since high school as well, right? Okay. We were all debutantes, so we came through debutantes together. So she was my deb sister. Your deb sister. But you guys even furthermore had a relationship because y'all went to the same school and you were giggling because again, inside jokes that I'm not gonna be privy to. I hate both of y'all. So anyways, did you want to share anything about your friend inside jokes? No. No. This feels like you're on punishment. We have the amazing, the beautiful me, Miss Jamila. [00:02:36] Speaker C: Hey, bud. [00:02:39] Speaker A: I do have a funny story. When we were in debutante, so we did a sleepover at one of our advisors house. One of our debut sisters, Stacy. Shout out to Stacy in Atlanta. Hey, girl. Was like, she was coming in and we, Jamila, remember we were trying to play a prank. So our advisor had dolls around the house. [00:02:54] Speaker B: Jamila's first of all looking like, I don't remember. [00:02:56] Speaker A: But now she knew it's coming. She had those dolls. And that was at the time of Tales from the Hood with the little nigglet dolls. And so, so we were like, we're like, let's prank Stacy. So Jamila sat in this rocking chair. She sat in the rocking chair and she was limp like a doll. And we were like, oh, my God, Stacy, come and look at these dolls. And we're like, okay. And it was dark. I don't know why Stacy was like, sure, let me come in the dark room and look at dolls. But she did. And so as soon as she came in, Jamila jumps up. And Stacy being the church girl that she was at the time, she's a little bit more party girl. No, Stacy lost the soul of Stacy, left her body, went up to Jesus. Jesus was like, get back down, Stacy. Stu, we love you, Stu. She fell out. Literally. We yelled Jesus. And fell to the floor. We had to pick her up. Jamila was like, it was hilarious. I think it's one of my fondest memories of Jamila. I don't know why, but it was just. It was a hilarious moment. So anyways, we had something like old school, like to it. [00:04:02] Speaker D: I remember rewinding it and listening to it. [00:04:05] Speaker A: You listen to the exorcism of Stacy. Because the way, I promise you, the way she fell out was like the funniest thing ever in life. But it's all to say we know Jamila, we know her well. But we have another guest and we have so kindly behind closed doors now dubbed her sister wife. Just because y'all sister mom. Sister mom. I know, right? It sounds bad that it just. It came out naturally sister wife. But I like sister mom. [00:04:30] Speaker D: Sister mom works. [00:04:31] Speaker A: We going to redoub. Don't take me too bad again, take a sip. [00:04:36] Speaker C: I can't take this. [00:04:37] Speaker A: But let me tell you how I know this. This beautiful soul right here. So through my day job, this amazing woman was one of our contractors. She is an amazing birth educator, a birthing executive. I want to say she's like, she's going to help you birth this baby from your vagina with all the care in the world. I mean, she's going to come from your vagina. [00:04:56] Speaker B: She doing it wrong. [00:04:58] Speaker A: Pretty much. That's exactly what that happens. Anyways, she is an expert in this field, and it makes sense as to why she has got such, like, this open and welcoming spirit to the family and everything else, because this is just her nature. And so I love that we have gotten to work together and know each other that way. But welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, both of you guys. [00:05:20] Speaker C: Yes. [00:05:20] Speaker A: So let's talk about how this dynamic is interesting. Now. Elle was married. Jamila was married. [00:05:27] Speaker B: Okay. [00:05:27] Speaker A: Elle got divorced. Jamila got divorced. Okay. Jamila married Elle's ex, who also was Jamila's high school sweetheart. But somehow they have managed to become really good friends and have this amazing sister, mom, co parenting relationship where they care for each other's kids as if they're their own. And I get to hear these stories about how amazing their dynamic is. And I find myself jealous, but not quite jealous yet, because I don't think I want that relationship just yet, but I do love it. And I wish that a lot of kids had this because it's amazing to see I haven't got to experience you with all the kids, but I've seen Jamila with the kids and I'm like, if this is how y'all are, that's a beautiful thing. And I love that. [00:06:08] Speaker B: And so welcome, welcome. And what a unique dynamic. I think a lot of times when we hear about ex wives or girlfriends of a relationship that didn't quite pan out, it always seems to be competition or jealousy or anger, anger, bitterness, all of those things. Did either of you ever feel that or. And was that because you completely had moved on from the relationship that allowed for you not to feel anything? You know what I mean? Because. Well, yeah, yeah. Because sometimes women are still hanging on to the relationship as well, so it's hard to accept a new person. [00:06:49] Speaker D: I think there was so much already that had already taken place by the time I came into Elle's life. And by the time just everything had shifted. It had nothing to do with him. It had nothing to do with him. It had nothing to do With. I mean, circumstantially, it had everything to do with. But it didn't. And so one of the funniest things I was thinking about this, and I was like, the way that I met Elle, it was just so interesting. [00:07:20] Speaker C: It makes me laugh. [00:07:21] Speaker D: I know. [00:07:22] Speaker C: It's so awkward, but not awkward for us. [00:07:24] Speaker D: I remember. Yeah. I remember I came to visit and Travis's sister from another Mr. Was at the house just kicking it with the kids. And I don't even know if I was surprising him or what. But you had come over. Cause you had just moved out and you were just getting the rest of your stuff. So they were just. They were just. They decided, like, we're just friends living together at this point, but you just gonna cooperate. [00:07:54] Speaker A: You guys were married though, right? [00:07:55] Speaker D: They were still married. They just were trying to figure that out. Like, what are we doing? But I think y'all were like, in the process of finishing the paperwork. But we were literally mentally and emotionally. It was like, we just co parents that live together. [00:08:07] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:08:08] Speaker D: And then Elle was just like, okay, I gotta get at my own place. Like, I mean just. That just makes more sense. And then you were coming to get some stuff out of the bathroom. And then Travis was just like, elle's coming and you're here. And I was just like, why are you wigging out? Like, just whatever. Like. And I don't think I talked to you over the phone at all. Like, I had no. [00:08:32] Speaker C: That was like our first time meeting. [00:08:33] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:33] Speaker D: I had no meeting of like, who you were, what you were like, or anything. I didn't know anything. I was just like, I don't know. That's your household handle it. I don't know. [00:08:42] Speaker A: Right. [00:08:42] Speaker D: I'm not awkward. I'm not like. I mean, I'm awkward, but I'm not like, confrontational or any discussion of, oh. [00:08:49] Speaker B: This is what my ex wife is like. Or. [00:08:52] Speaker D: I think he told you that I was his high school sweetheart. [00:08:57] Speaker C: Yeah, he told me about the love story. And then I was just like, oh, that's cute. I love that. [00:09:03] Speaker A: And then from why you are still married. [00:09:05] Speaker C: Yeah, because it's like we. Okay. So. Yeah, no, it really was. It really was. Because it's like Travis and I, like, ended probably two years. Like, we were emotionally not there anymore. We were completely. We were just living together. Literally, like, living together. And that's it. Like. And then, like, building a friendship still. I still had some, like, anger towards him. And then sometimes I still wouldn't pop him. Like, let me, Travis. But I'M like, he probably wants pop. Me too. That's what I'm just like, yeah, but it's like, we were, like, done done. So we were, like, already disconnected, already living our own lives. I was dating someone. Like, he was dating Jameela. I was dating, like, some random dude who liked to dress in top hats. I'm a strange person. Yeah. [00:10:13] Speaker A: It didn't work out. [00:10:14] Speaker C: A couple of people, because it was, like, polyamory for me. That's why I was just like, okay, let me try it. But we were done. And then so, like, meeting Jameela was, like, a thing where it's like, I knew everything about her already because I was stalked. And I was like, I want to get to know who this person is around my children. [00:10:37] Speaker A: Right. [00:10:37] Speaker B: I'm sorry. How many children do you have? [00:10:39] Speaker C: Oh, just two. [00:10:40] Speaker B: Two. [00:10:41] Speaker C: And then, of course, my daughter Elvy and my baby Ashe and baby Brighton. [00:10:46] Speaker D: And the one that is a part of the doula witchcraft that Elle does. Somehow the child that me and Travis had was born on her birthday. [00:10:56] Speaker B: Oh, girl, I don't know. [00:10:58] Speaker D: Right, Right. [00:10:59] Speaker C: I was like, oh, no. When? January. [00:11:01] Speaker A: Little. [00:11:02] Speaker D: So they're. They're cinnamon twins on that. [00:11:08] Speaker B: Flip the calendar appropriately. Blow. Blow it off her belly, baby. [00:11:16] Speaker D: Yep. [00:11:17] Speaker C: Wait until she's napping. [00:11:19] Speaker B: Great. [00:11:19] Speaker C: Rub the baby. [00:11:20] Speaker B: Wake up with cinnamon on your tummy. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Get into, like, a horror movie where a woman kidnaps the baby. Like, this is my baby. [00:11:28] Speaker C: I'm giving birth to you. [00:11:30] Speaker B: Gentlemen. [00:11:31] Speaker C: Practical magic. [00:11:34] Speaker B: That's crazy. [00:11:35] Speaker C: But it's like, I knew everything about Jamila, and I was already highly impressed. [00:11:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:40] Speaker C: Like, from everything that, like, I learned. And then we have, like, more connections, too. It's crazy, but it's like, from everything that I learned, I was just like, oh, she's amazing. And I've never been, like, the jealous type. So even if, like, there was still feelings, which there was nothing, but if there was, like, I still wouldn't have gotten jealous because I'm like, we're moving out of this phase. It's time for the new phase. It's time for something different. [00:12:08] Speaker D: But that day, Micah, like, Travis had left to go get dinner, and he came back with, like, bags, and he knew we were both in the house. And so, like, Elle came down the hall, and then I came around this other corner, and Micah was like, mommy, this is. This is. I think he called me Jamila at the time. He calls me Mama. He was like, mommy, it's Jamila. And then we just. We hugged. And then he was like, do you, like, Her. [00:12:38] Speaker C: I was like, yeah. [00:12:40] Speaker D: And he was like, yeah. And she's like, I like your earrings. I was like, I like yours. Oh, my goodness. [00:12:46] Speaker A: I just love at first sight. I feel like. [00:12:48] Speaker D: I know. [00:12:49] Speaker B: I was gonna ask, was it hard. Hard for the kids? Like, did they ever have any awkwardness? [00:12:55] Speaker C: I think, but Rayu. Yeah. [00:12:57] Speaker D: Yeah. The most awkward was just Micah didn't know what to call me for a while, and he was. [00:13:04] Speaker C: He was eight. Yeah, he was eight. [00:13:06] Speaker D: And he would. It was just hard. He was like, mommy, mama, Jamila, Mama, mommy. Just glitching all the time, but. [00:13:13] Speaker A: Right. [00:13:13] Speaker D: You was. I met him when he was 18 months, and so, like, when I moved in, I remember Travis worked graveyard, and so I was like, this is what I signed up for. So trying to get this baby to go to sleep when he's missing his actual mom. And I didn't have any, like, maternal connection to him yet. And he be wilding. [00:13:39] Speaker A: I have met this child. He's a bundle of energy while I was a baby. I love it. [00:13:46] Speaker D: I was like, I'm trying to understand who this person is. [00:13:48] Speaker C: I need another shot of this. If we don't talk about. [00:13:52] Speaker D: But yeah. So I think that was one of the hardest things, was trying to figure out, like, how do I show up for this baby that, like, clearly wants his actual mom and is trying to figure out, who am I? Like. [00:14:03] Speaker A: And that's interesting that you said that the older child took more to you quickly than a baby who probably, like, I mean, I guess it's like there's a innate, natural instinct of who your mommy is, but it just seemed like it would be more natural for the baby to grow up and be like, oh, this is what's normal. But the. The older one was. The one was like, hey, what's up? Yeah, that's interesting. [00:14:22] Speaker C: Also, Ryu, Like, I know this is probably taking it to a whole nother zone, but, like, the background between Ryu and I, it's like I had heavy postpartum depression, which brought me to, like, birth work. [00:14:34] Speaker A: Gotcha. [00:14:35] Speaker C: Okay. And I. I didn't get to do that connection, like, at the beginning, like we would normally do. So Ryu and I had a complicated beginning because of that, and then that relationship since has grown because I've known to make that intentional space. [00:14:54] Speaker B: Did any extended family members think it was odd that you two naturally gravitated and got along so well? [00:15:01] Speaker D: It was so irritating. [00:15:03] Speaker A: It was like, because they wanted you to not like each other. [00:15:07] Speaker D: Right. [00:15:09] Speaker B: People are more accustomed to seeing the. [00:15:11] Speaker D: Right. The tension and because it wasn't there. It was like. It was like forced upon at times. And there. There was just so many times that I felt like if you came over or if I saw you, I was never like, oh, there's the boy's mom. Or like, Houston. I think since Jump, I had accepted Elle as like, family. My sister, like, we good. Like we gonna do. I don't know. I guess just our initial meeting was. [00:15:44] Speaker C: Just always, like, perfect. [00:15:45] Speaker D: Something like, kindred about it always. [00:15:48] Speaker A: I was gonna say y'all have, like, a very good even keel spirit amongst you, like, in general, like, as you're being your inner, like, your individual selves. Because to hear, like, if I was dating a guy and he's like, hey, I'm living with my wife, who's not even my ex wife yet, and we've been living together for two years, but we dating, I could be like, what the entire fuck are y'all talking about? Like, this is a. Because we've talked about. You need to end a chapter before you begin one. [00:16:14] Speaker C: Right. [00:16:14] Speaker A: So then it's like, I. I don't know if I could have entered that. I mean, I know that you and Travis have a history, so there's a reason behind all that. So there's a little bit more of trust right there with that. I just don't know if I. I don't. I don't have that level of trust with anybody. Not to be like, yeah, yeah, I. [00:16:31] Speaker D: Trust I couldn't do it now. I couldn't do that with anybody else. [00:16:37] Speaker C: But it's just different. Yeah. [00:16:38] Speaker D: I think I honestly feel like God serendipitously, like, put it together and was just like. Because it just happens so seamless. Seamlessly. I mean, do you ever scratch your. [00:16:49] Speaker B: Head and look at people that struggle with the relationships and say, why? Like, why is it so challenging? Or do you get why it's challenging? [00:16:55] Speaker D: No, I get why it's challenging because. [00:16:58] Speaker A: No. [00:16:58] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:16:59] Speaker A: Co parenting another. Your kid's biological father. [00:17:02] Speaker D: Right. [00:17:02] Speaker B: So that's a difficult mashup when you were trying to co parent there. [00:17:08] Speaker D: No, because there was a lot of missing pieces. Like, you can't co parent with somebody that's not there. [00:17:13] Speaker A: Definitely not brother dads. Definitely not. [00:17:16] Speaker C: No. [00:17:18] Speaker D: Not there and not there necessarily. In the way of, like, assuming the role of fatherhood, like, and really trying to understand what that looks like actively. Like, just not really. Not really doing that. And also other things getting in the way, like legal things getting in the way that prohibit you from showing up fully as well. So you got the government and you got also your own mental state holding you back. [00:17:49] Speaker A: So this must be, like, a blessing for you to have because you get to have this added support of another parent when you feel like you might have been lacking on the other side side of that. [00:17:58] Speaker B: I was gonna ask Elle, did you have any other co parenting scenarios or is this your first time in a co parenting situation? [00:18:03] Speaker C: My first time. And I remember, like a very. Like, I remember Travis and I were at the beginning of deciding that we were gonna have a divorce. Like, that. We were like, you know what? I think this is done. Like, we were just like, yeah, it is. And I was just like, okay, so we have to fill out the custody portion. And he was just like, I know. He's just like, 56, 50, 50. I'm like, yeah, let's do 50, 50. He's just like. He was so hesitant to mention that he was dating you because he was just like, elle's gonna be angry. Which is crazy because I never gave, like, an indication that way. But, like, it's normal emotion. And he had this normal reaction. Like, I'm worried to mention this, hey, I'm dating this person. I'm like, great, I want to meet them. I'm like, because they're around my babies, I'm like, but like, one thing that I know for sure is that we will not do any arguing or any type of craziness in front of the kids. We will be cordial no matter what. Figure it out. [00:19:12] Speaker B: So how does that go? If you. Have you been in a scenario where you're like, I am ready to go in on you? Are there code words or. Or. Or. Or outs, like, what is. What is the pause button to continue this later? [00:19:25] Speaker D: Elle walking out the door, I'm like. [00:19:28] Speaker C: I don't gotta be here. I can get up. [00:19:30] Speaker A: She's like, it's all you. I'm out. [00:19:32] Speaker C: It's more of, like, my thing. Therapy has helped turn me into a person that can truly think out things, stop in the moment, realize what's happening, realize that there's traumas going on. There's, like, things that were said that might be triggering me because of things that were said to me as a child or a teenager. So I pause, and then I realize that. And then I'm like, I want to say this thing that I know will hurt him, but I'm gonna stop because that's not right to hurt someone because you feel triggered by your own trauma. [00:20:12] Speaker B: But would you have said that if the kids weren't around? Or did you just pause in general. [00:20:16] Speaker C: I pause in general because I like my piece. I got to have my piece. [00:20:20] Speaker B: That's why your hair don't lay right. [00:20:22] Speaker D: On the left side. [00:20:23] Speaker C: You know, okay, do something about it. You know, it comes across, but I'm like, I can't. I can't because it messes up my piece. And all that work that you do with the therapy, like, it just backflips, fires everything just kind of. It takes it all back, and I'm like, dang. I work so hard not to, like, pop off at this person because I. That was my first reaction. [00:20:49] Speaker B: That's human. [00:20:50] Speaker C: That's human to want to pop off just to Jamila. [00:20:54] Speaker B: Like. [00:20:55] Speaker C: Like, whenever I need a vent about anything in general, I pop off to each other. [00:21:00] Speaker B: What do you say? You're like, yeah, my husband like that. But you know what? Your baby daddy like that. [00:21:05] Speaker D: Like, what do you say? [00:21:06] Speaker A: Is it like two against one? [00:21:08] Speaker D: I don't think we gang up on it. I think he might think that we do. [00:21:13] Speaker C: She is so. That's the other thing too. Jamila is perfect for Travis because she's so empathetic for him because he's an emotional guy, and Jamila is just. She catches that emotion, and she holds it, and she does that for everyone. She's so tender and just so gentle with everybody. You are a mushy gross. [00:21:36] Speaker B: Just kidding. Like, I'll give her a gift. [00:21:39] Speaker C: I'm like, here, I got this for you. [00:21:41] Speaker D: She got this for me. [00:21:46] Speaker C: No, it's some natural one. We'll see. It's supposed to use magnetics on the OR magnet. [00:21:53] Speaker D: I guess we're married now. [00:21:56] Speaker C: You know, Travis already says, don't be taking my wife. I'm like, I already took. [00:22:00] Speaker D: Literally taking me to home. Elle literally woke, forced me to go to HomeGoods. You don't know what home goods. [00:22:06] Speaker B: Yes, I do, but you got me hooked, though, literally. [00:22:10] Speaker D: Or T.J. maxx. [00:22:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:12] Speaker B: Don't you guys go shopping? [00:22:13] Speaker D: Ella, be like, what are you doing? And I'm, like, trying to fold my laundry. Get dressed. I'm coming to get you to take it to home Goods. And I'm like, I don't want to go. I took you to get scotch. She comes over dressed, makeup and stuff. Let's go. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. [00:22:28] Speaker A: Come on, kids. Get a Sunday best on. Going to HomeGoods. [00:22:31] Speaker C: I'm like, come on. You said, my mom's ready. I'm like, all right, let's go. [00:22:35] Speaker D: Oh, you take my mom that one time. [00:22:38] Speaker C: I took her back to school clothes shopping with the boys. She was just like, okay. [00:22:43] Speaker D: She's like, because I will buy something every time. [00:22:48] Speaker C: Come on. Everybody needs to treat yourself. [00:22:51] Speaker D: Treat yourself. [00:22:52] Speaker A: So speaking of that kind of thing. So what kinds of things do you guys. Cause you sent us a video of y'all at karaoke. First of all, this one was all over the table, the chair. She was, like, doing the Janet Jackson present. [00:23:03] Speaker D: Principal Jamila screaming in the background, right? [00:23:08] Speaker A: So I'm like, so clearly, y'all, like, literally hang. What kinds of things do you guys do together to, like, get away as moms and then what kind of things you guys do together as a family? [00:23:17] Speaker C: Oh, God. We did the hopscotch together. [00:23:20] Speaker B: What is that? [00:23:20] Speaker C: The hopscotch. [00:23:21] Speaker A: I feel like an elder interactive art gallery. [00:23:25] Speaker B: Why do they call it hopscotch? [00:23:26] Speaker A: I don't know why they call. [00:23:27] Speaker C: I wonder. It's cool. [00:23:29] Speaker A: Off track right now. And I see you're about to spiral, and we're going to reel it back in. We'll look it up later. [00:23:38] Speaker B: I'm like, do they put a rock down on number three? [00:23:42] Speaker C: They have a hopscotch section when you're walking out. [00:23:45] Speaker D: Yeah, it's pretty fun. I think you even just be doing stuff. Be doing random stuff back in that day. Now that I think back on it. [00:23:55] Speaker C: I just bought the tickets, and I said, you gonna go? [00:23:57] Speaker D: What are you doing today? I don't know. I just bought tickets to hopscotch. Tell the kids to get ready. I'm coming. And then we went, and I was like, elle, what are you doing? Like, bought everybody. [00:24:08] Speaker C: And I was late. [00:24:09] Speaker A: Hold on. But I'm cracking up because she's like, what are you doing? As she's, like, walking with her, like, what? What's happening? [00:24:14] Speaker C: Literally, don't worry about it. [00:24:16] Speaker A: I got Tiffany spend all this money. [00:24:21] Speaker C: Don't worry about it. You gonna like it. You gonna like it. [00:24:23] Speaker D: And it was fun. [00:24:24] Speaker C: The food was not. [00:24:25] Speaker D: The food was interesting. We not gonna put them on blast. [00:24:27] Speaker C: So it was fun. [00:24:28] Speaker D: It was a fun experience. [00:24:29] Speaker A: We'll do that hopscotch. You should give me and Nick B. Free tickets. [00:24:33] Speaker C: You should. [00:24:34] Speaker A: You guys, a great review. [00:24:35] Speaker B: And also give me a rock so I can put it down when I skip on the numbers. [00:24:40] Speaker C: Oh, one of those gummy bear things. [00:24:42] Speaker D: We back to this. Wait, I need you to come back, please. [00:24:45] Speaker A: I'm. I'm back. I'm back. I fell out for a second because I have no idea where this is. [00:24:49] Speaker B: Going with anything, but I can, like. [00:24:53] Speaker C: Damn limp to the next. [00:24:57] Speaker A: It's. It's not called shuffle. It's called shuffle. Scotch. Oh, my God. So that was a direct family date. We do. [00:25:11] Speaker D: We'll find random. Sorry. We'll do random things. Where we'll, like, go to hopscotch festivals and stuff. [00:25:19] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:25:20] Speaker B: What about vacations? Do you take an actual family? [00:25:22] Speaker C: No, we needed. We need to take one without. [00:25:24] Speaker D: We had a rough time this past summer. We had a rough summer. And Elle called one day and was just like, I don't remember what you were talking about, but you were like, I need a vacation. And I was like, we should go do one of those getaway cabins. Just you and me. Just go to a getaway cabin. [00:25:42] Speaker B: Not a family. [00:25:43] Speaker D: Not a family. Because the both of us were just stressed out. So it's just like we need. Without children, basically. [00:25:51] Speaker A: F. Travis and the kids. You got this. [00:25:54] Speaker D: Yes. It's a motivation. Yes, yes, yes. What did we do recently or no, I was gonna go to Seattle. That's what it was. We were supposed to go to Seattle, but change of plans. So. But even then I was like, bring Ashe. And I was like, no, absolutely not. I don't want a toddler with me. But yeah, if we could. If the time is right, if the. [00:26:20] Speaker C: Money is right, we are gonna do that. So I'm in agriculture now. [00:26:27] Speaker A: Okay. It sounds like you do weed. [00:26:31] Speaker C: I am upon. I'm in agriculture now. [00:26:36] Speaker A: It sounds like. [00:26:36] Speaker C: No. Weed and shroom. No, no, I mean farmers. I mean farmers. [00:26:44] Speaker B: Everybody took a sip on that. [00:26:45] Speaker C: They do. [00:26:48] Speaker A: They take care of their homes. [00:26:49] Speaker C: But no, there's this cabin that is available well, this farmhouse that's available for PLC people. And I was just like, jamila, it's like the seven bedroom, nice space. And I'm like, jamila, we need to book this. It's just gonna be us in the seven. [00:27:13] Speaker D: Just the two of us taking turns. [00:27:15] Speaker B: Different nights in different beds. [00:27:16] Speaker A: Right, right. [00:27:19] Speaker C: No. But then I realized I read more of it and it says that you have to do farm work too. And I'm like, now I'm trying to rush. [00:27:28] Speaker A: That is hilarious. That sound a little sketch to me. [00:27:41] Speaker D: It is absolutely. [00:27:42] Speaker A: At Plantation Con, that was going to be. At this moment, people. Okay? At this moment, I only. I see this being another scary movie. Like, yeah, you get sucked into a damn slave movie and you guys can't escape. [00:27:59] Speaker D: There's crazy noises at night, and then. [00:28:02] Speaker A: They'Re going to steal your souls. They're going to steal your soul so they can stay young. [00:28:06] Speaker C: That's what it is. [00:28:07] Speaker A: Like this, right? Will be exactly, exactly. It's Time to get the corn. [00:28:16] Speaker D: Looking like the Wiz. [00:28:18] Speaker A: God damn it. Michael Jackson. Oh, my God. So what have been some of the biggest challenges of Yalls co parenting? Like, relationship. [00:28:31] Speaker C: The children damn. [00:28:34] Speaker A: Well, not the sole reason for co parenting is the main issue. Do you. [00:28:37] Speaker B: Do you agree on. Do you agree on discipline tactics? Do you have the same. [00:28:44] Speaker D: For the most part, we're trying to change our discipline tactics. Y'all standing. [00:28:50] Speaker A: It's gonna get you in trouble. No, I'm a mandatory reporter. This was a long con. She was like, I'm about to get your ass while we do this show. [00:29:09] Speaker D: No, we really are trying to figure it out as the kids get older. [00:29:12] Speaker A: I don't believe the way she said that. [00:29:14] Speaker D: I think as the kids get older, also, like, trying to figure out. I lost my voice recently, and it just came back. [00:29:21] Speaker A: You're making me so nervous because I was, like, over here leaning, like. [00:29:23] Speaker D: No, it just left. Like, the air and everything. It just left. And then it came back, and I was like, okay, no. No symptoms. [00:29:31] Speaker A: Our producers are gonna be, like, steady with the alcohol wipes on these microphones like this. [00:29:36] Speaker D: There are no bacterias here. But I think, like, trying to find out, okay, this use, like, discovering who the kids are and what they respond to and making sure that we're meeting up with who they are now and not who they once were. Let them be who they are. [00:30:00] Speaker C: Like, figure out, like, and you know that it's okay. Like, to be whoever you want to be. [00:30:05] Speaker D: Yeah. It was something that. [00:30:07] Speaker B: Do they ever play you guys against each other? [00:30:09] Speaker D: Yes. [00:30:10] Speaker A: How does that go? [00:30:10] Speaker B: Can I get. Yeah, they're like, well, listen, Elle said it was okay. [00:30:14] Speaker D: No, it's more like I'm just gonna use him for. As an example, because when I first. When I first met. Right. [00:30:21] Speaker A: You. [00:30:22] Speaker D: He was learning to talk. Right. And God, not so trifling. I love him so much, but I don't understand the level of manipulation that exists inside this boy. [00:30:39] Speaker B: Little baby. [00:30:40] Speaker D: He already. So we got him speech services because he had, like, a speech delay, but that doesn't mean you can't talk at all. So he. Yeah, no, listen. Not us. [00:30:56] Speaker A: Oh, the speech therapist. [00:30:57] Speaker D: No. [00:30:58] Speaker A: Oh, no. [00:30:59] Speaker D: I mean, he played everybody. But truly, during the pandemic, he was at home getting ready to take a bath. The door was open. Travis came home. He's singing dance monkey in the bathroom, getting undressed, his tubs here. And he's like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. He's singing the words. [00:31:18] Speaker A: Oh, that's like a song. [00:31:19] Speaker D: And then Micah walks. Micah. Travis Walks by, and he was like. And he could hear him, like, vocalizing, like, words of the song. Sorry, I hit the mic. But he could hear him vocalizing the song. And he just. He, like, was like. He goes, right, you. You can talk. He goes, daddy, I can't talk. [00:31:41] Speaker B: No, dad, I don't know what makes you think I can talk. [00:31:43] Speaker A: Y'all had him in speech because you thought he wasn't talking. [00:31:45] Speaker D: No, we had him in speech because he did need the services. Was your child mute to certain people? [00:31:53] Speaker A: Well, to be fair, my son goes to speech therapy. And so one of the things that we. One of the techniques is a sing song voice, because for whatever reason, when kids change their tone or they sing. [00:32:04] Speaker D: Songy and be like, no, daddy, I can't talk. [00:32:10] Speaker A: Eyes be talking slow. Daddy, eyes are still stuttering. [00:32:15] Speaker D: Then later that day. So Travis was, like, super offended, and it was like, I can't believe he's talking. Yeah. So he's minding his business. Travis and I were in our room. The door was open. Ryu comes to the door to ask us something, and he goes, how da ba da ba ba bajaja? And then Travis goes, if you don't use real words. And then he goes. He, like, goes, mm. And then he walks down the hallway, and he goes, I don't want to use real words. [00:32:43] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Your child absolutely plays y'all hard. [00:32:48] Speaker C: He's a genius. It's crazy. [00:32:51] Speaker B: Now he walking on the hall talking about f them words. [00:32:54] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:32:55] Speaker B: That is basically what he said. [00:32:58] Speaker D: But, yeah, that happened, like, regularly. So then there would be, like, things. [00:33:03] Speaker A: That he came out with the fat Albert. [00:33:08] Speaker D: Things that he would say to Elle, like, whole things, and then things that he would say to me because I'm, like, the new person, and he could never, like, play me because I was. That's a lot of shape shifting. Like, you got to do that for Ella v. Brighton, Micah, like, all the. [00:33:27] Speaker C: People to keep up with. [00:33:29] Speaker D: And I saw all of it, and I was just like, wait a minute. [00:33:32] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:33:33] Speaker D: And I just would keep calling him on it, and I was just treating him normal, whatever. And then at some point, I remember just talking to Elle, and I was like, has he said this to you? He'd be like, yeah, he has. He also said this. And I'm like, oh, he said that for real? And then Travis was just like, what? [00:33:50] Speaker C: Huh? Travis got so mad. He was just like, this is rude. Like, disrespectful. [00:33:56] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:33:56] Speaker B: So I feel disrespected, too. If a child come up to you speaking languages that don't exist, only to walk down the hall and be like, he know what I meant. [00:34:07] Speaker C: Words. [00:34:08] Speaker B: I ain't speaking no words. [00:34:09] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:34:10] Speaker A: That is funny as hell. Oh, my goodness. [00:34:12] Speaker D: I think, like, not all of them will just, like, decide. I mean, they do the typical. Like, they're in a bad mood. So I'm going to ask this one, and I'll just be like, didn't they just say, do you do. And most of the time, I'm like, do you do this at your mom's house? Then definitely don't do it here. [00:34:31] Speaker C: And I'm the hip mom. [00:34:34] Speaker D: Absolutely not at your mom's house. You need to stop, because that's a lot of work to be cleaning up, like. Right? Yeah. [00:34:44] Speaker C: God. [00:34:45] Speaker A: So, okay, so this is just an observation. I'm looking at the two of y'all. Y'all have very similar features. Y'all, like, are both equally beautiful, but y'all look alike. [00:34:53] Speaker C: Yeah. You my sister. Somebody keep saying, we family. [00:34:58] Speaker A: We got a whole type. But not only that, but y'all have similar spirits. Y'all have similar, like, energies. [00:35:03] Speaker D: Like, I was thinking about that recently. [00:35:05] Speaker C: I was like, you are way more outgoing, though. I'm a. I'm a. I am a homebody. [00:35:12] Speaker B: I know she a homebody. [00:35:15] Speaker C: I'm not. [00:35:16] Speaker B: She's the one. Let's look at this. Let's go to TGI Max. [00:35:20] Speaker C: I'm. [00:35:20] Speaker A: I'm buying tickets to random places. [00:35:21] Speaker B: We gonna go Hop scouts. [00:35:22] Speaker A: We're gonna go farm for. [00:35:24] Speaker B: We go to get some corn. [00:35:25] Speaker D: Funny, though, is that. [00:35:27] Speaker B: But you the homebody. [00:35:27] Speaker D: I long to be. [00:35:29] Speaker C: I'm an experiences person when she's at. [00:35:31] Speaker D: Home, and, like, she literally knows how to get me to do the things that I actually. I do want to do stuff. I also just want to rest. [00:35:40] Speaker C: No, no. [00:35:41] Speaker D: I remember last week. [00:35:43] Speaker C: I'll drive you rest. [00:35:44] Speaker D: When I was trying to get the boys ready to go to Seattle. We were trying to figure that whole thing out. I broke into her halfway. [00:35:51] Speaker B: She sure did. [00:35:52] Speaker C: I was like, on my camera like that. Mila climbing on her couch, and I. [00:35:58] Speaker D: Was like, what you on FaceTime? She's like, why are you in the sh. [00:36:03] Speaker C: Cracking at this point? [00:36:06] Speaker B: Y'all don't have a key to each other's home, right? [00:36:08] Speaker C: You have the code, right? [00:36:09] Speaker D: I have the code. [00:36:10] Speaker C: And I just. Would you rather break in? I just walk in their house. [00:36:14] Speaker A: The way she just shrug was like. [00:36:16] Speaker D: I was like, mike, open the door. He was arguing. [00:36:19] Speaker C: But you have Micah's cold. [00:36:21] Speaker D: I do have his cold. [00:36:22] Speaker A: Clearly. She wanted to just break into your house. [00:36:25] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:36:25] Speaker A: She wanted to give you some excitement on that ring camera. I'm like, she wanted to have your phone go. [00:36:32] Speaker D: We have been in each other's spaces so many times. We were like neighbors. We lived. [00:36:38] Speaker C: Oh, I missed that. [00:36:39] Speaker D: She lived in A and we lived in C of our apartment thing. At one point. [00:36:44] Speaker C: It was really nice. [00:36:44] Speaker D: Yeah, that was actually nice. During the pandemic. [00:36:47] Speaker A: Go back and forth. [00:36:47] Speaker D: That was bringing soup, bringing stuff. [00:36:50] Speaker B: Oh, that is good to quarantine. [00:36:52] Speaker C: I brought over the food that people would bring for me because there was a mill train going on. [00:36:57] Speaker D: Me and El would come over. It was a whole thing. [00:37:00] Speaker B: I know your apartment complex was like, what in the polyamory is going on here? [00:37:05] Speaker C: People. The neighbors who were in between. [00:37:08] Speaker D: That is so funny. [00:37:09] Speaker C: She thought that there was something. She was just like, I don't know what you freaky stuff. [00:37:13] Speaker B: You guys go, oh, she confronted. Like that. [00:37:16] Speaker C: No. Yeah, because, like, we, like, yell. [00:37:19] Speaker D: There's no sanity to think, like, oh, they get along is because it can't be, like, Right. [00:37:26] Speaker A: That's how toxic people are gonna be. Like, getting along, having a great relationship, being friends, co parenting, taking care of those kids. [00:37:35] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:37:36] Speaker A: That is so unheard of that now y'all are the weird ones. [00:37:39] Speaker C: It's crazy to me because it's our norm. Like, I have to tell people anytime that, like. Like, with my oldest, Micah, he just went to. Our oldest Micah, he just went to middle school, and he, like, the school was just like, oh, do you want her on Jamila? They're like, yeah, do you want her to be on his. Yeah. Oh, add her to the emergency list. Add her as a parent, too, along. Because when I filled it out, I put Travis and Jamila Trent. Like, I literally put their names together because people don't have the concept of the fact that she is their mother. [00:38:22] Speaker A: Right. [00:38:23] Speaker C: And, like, she, like, it's like, the concept is not for them. [00:38:29] Speaker D: They project. [00:38:30] Speaker C: And I'm like, that's their mom. [00:38:33] Speaker D: Like, the projection, I think I haven't, like. I kind of have, like, fought with the idea of, like, am I perceived as the angry stepmom? [00:38:43] Speaker C: No, Like, I. I figure that out. [00:38:47] Speaker B: Because this is the very first time the word step has even come on this table. [00:38:52] Speaker C: Yeah, I don't, like. I don't think that's not a bad thing. But. [00:38:55] Speaker B: So you guys don't, in your home, consider anybody to be my stepchildren, my stepparent, my. It's just my mom. [00:39:03] Speaker C: My children loves Micah And Ryu not gonna cry. But she loves Micah and Ryu. Like, I know that if I were to pass away at this very moment, Jamila will love those boys in a way that, like, I like, she would show them all the love and, like, me being able to be stern in that and know that even if something ever happened to you and Travis, I know Jamila. [00:39:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:39:35] Speaker C: Would love those boys no matter what. [00:39:37] Speaker B: Now, are you. [00:39:38] Speaker C: That's the part that I'm like. [00:39:39] Speaker B: Are you currently single? [00:39:50] Speaker C: I am. Solo poly is what they call it. [00:39:52] Speaker B: Okay. [00:39:54] Speaker C: I like someone, and they know that I like them, and they like me, too. And their wife likes me, and I like her, too. [00:40:01] Speaker B: Wait, what is solo? So that means you're in a relationship with no title. What is. How does. So this is my first time hearing solo poly. [00:40:10] Speaker C: I realized that, and, like, I feel I hold a lot of sadness for this because I'm like, I feel like I hold sadness for Travis when we got married, because I was just, like, realistically, I did not. I was never a person who saw. Like, I didn't play the marriage thing, the marriage game or anything like that. Like, I was always the bridesmaid because I enjoyed eating the cake. I like eating cake. I like weddings because of the cake. [00:40:41] Speaker B: I mean, it's cool you got married now, but what's that third layer tastes like, right? Lemon chipotle. [00:40:47] Speaker C: That's what I like. I like the outfits. [00:40:49] Speaker A: Give me that dress. [00:40:50] Speaker C: I like the dress. I love puffy dresses. I love those things. And it's like, I got married and, like, I feel bad because Travis is a family person. He loves marriage. He loves being a parent. He just. He has that. And it's like, me, I'm so uniquely. Like, I love my babies, and I love my individual identity that I've built for myself, Myself and, like, who I become. Like, I love that, and I cherish that, and I hold that sacred, and I hold my baby sacred, and I hold my friendship sacred, and, like, I forgot the damn it adhd. [00:41:33] Speaker B: Well, it was two parts, so post. I wanted to know more exactly what solo poly meant. [00:41:39] Speaker C: So solo poly is more polyamorous, but I just date multiple people because I enjoy dating. [00:41:46] Speaker B: So you're not attached to a couple. [00:41:48] Speaker C: So I can have my piece by myself at home and then on my couch. [00:41:52] Speaker B: So the real reason I was asking if you were involved with someone is how does co parenting from their perspective, are they involved? Because even if they have no connection to Jamila, they obviously still have a connection to you who comes with children. What does that look like to them playing a part in your world? [00:42:11] Speaker C: It doesn't. I have dated lots of people. None of them have ever got to the point of meeting the kids just because I. I guess I don't know how to introduce them like, people. This is the first time actually where I, like, like someone and been into them and, like, they've, like, hung out with, like, Micah and, like, is in love with Micah and, like, Ryu and like, with, like, man, these are cool kids. And like, Micah and Ray, you love them because we started off as friends. [00:42:44] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:42:45] Speaker C: So it's like, it works in that way. But, like, I just haven't felt comfortable enough. And then on top of. Well, no, no, he's. He met you guys. There was someone that I dated that met Travis and Jamila. [00:43:00] Speaker B: Okay, first, what was. [00:43:02] Speaker C: It was on a birthday, and I was just like, I'm gonna say this. [00:43:06] Speaker D: He's baby now too. Oh, my God. Okay, so we are not just talking. We on a podcast. [00:43:11] Speaker C: No, I'm like, I forgot to tell you that he's got a baby. [00:43:16] Speaker D: Oh, my God. So the part that is wild to me is I'm going say three parts. [00:43:24] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:43:25] Speaker D: Keep me on task. The first one. The three. The first part is that day that you and I met, Travis had left to go get dinner. Right. I just remember his face coming back with bags and standing there looking at you and looking at me. And he looked like his body had left. Like. And I want to understand psychologically what that is because it was a definite, like, moment in time for him and him. And I actually left and went somewhere that evening, and we talked, and he was kind of having, like, a processing moment, and he was just like. It was just weird. Like, my past in my present, but my present's leaving. And now you're my present, and you're in my house presently. But my past was leaving, but she lived there. But you were there meeting, and he was, like, having this overlap and just watching him trying to, like, I was. [00:44:14] Speaker C: Having the same moment process all of that. [00:44:16] Speaker D: So then for your birthday, we went to that. This is the second one. For your birthday, we went to that restaurant, and the person you were dating at the time was there. Everything was fine. But then Elle looked at me and looked at her best friend and was like, I'm not okay. And then, like, Travis was talking to your person. [00:44:39] Speaker C: Yeah, they were friends. [00:44:40] Speaker D: I could. I was looking at Elle and Elle was like. And you could just see Elle's soul, like, release or something. And then she was just like, I gotta Go to the bathroom. And, like, left. And I was like, what is going on? And we parked across the street. Here's the wild thing. We parked across the street from the house that I met my ex in. I got out of the car and I was like. He's like, you got it. I was like, I got him. And I closed the door and I looked and I was like. And he's like, what's going on? I was like, I met him there. [00:45:14] Speaker B: And he was just like, full circle. [00:45:15] Speaker D: You want me to park somewhere else? And I was like, no, I know. I was like, no. And then the third one. You really are taking notes. [00:45:26] Speaker C: I love it. [00:45:26] Speaker D: The third one. [00:45:27] Speaker C: Keep us on track. [00:45:29] Speaker D: We went to Seattle, and my ex finally got the, like, strength to, like, meet Travis. And I think I took a picture. Yeah, you said I took a picture. And I was like, it has, like, my eyeball in it. And I was like. And they're talking, and Drevitz is, like, doing this, and he's just. My ex is just standing there like, yeah, school me, man. [00:45:56] Speaker A: So you all had this out of body experience. [00:45:58] Speaker D: Yeah, it was just. It's such a weird thing. [00:46:01] Speaker C: Surreal feeling. [00:46:04] Speaker B: Is your ex. [00:46:05] Speaker C: Very surreal. [00:46:06] Speaker B: Okay. With your current husband? [00:46:08] Speaker D: Are they. [00:46:10] Speaker B: Well, no. [00:46:10] Speaker D: No. [00:46:11] Speaker B: I know that it doesn't matter, but I asked because, like, you two are obviously great friends, and obviously not everybody has to be great friends, but do they have a respect for the role that they play? [00:46:23] Speaker A: As she described earlier, there's layers to their. [00:46:28] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:46:31] Speaker A: And you only don't have to share if you don't want to. [00:46:33] Speaker D: No, no. I mean, I laugh because there's so much, but I do believe it's like a forced respect or like a forced. You gonna have to care to some degree because they're being taken care of. Like, how else are you gonna. And that's part of it, too. Like, to decide the difference between what we have and what's happening in our lives that is probably not happening for so many other people is the decision is, like, the, like, fortified decision. And I think the most respectable thing that I can say about, like, Travis and Elle is that they've always put the kids first. Like, they've made that a priority so that anything that they have issues with doesn't get in the way. Like, they're. I've been caught in the middle of, like. Like, Travis saying, like, she always does this. And I was like. And if you know that, then why are you still saying anything? Like, what's the point? Like, And I've got. With Like Elle being like, your husband. Me too. And I'll be like, I can't help you. I know. But also. [00:47:42] Speaker B: So I have a question about point one, and I don't know if you can actually answer this. It's probably more of a Travis question. But you made point twice. That he kind of came in the door with bags of food in his hand, and he was just, like, frozen, kind of stuck looking at this past and present meetup, and it seemed a little awkward. Do you think that he wasn't sure how to properly protect each of you? Not knowing how either of you would feel about each other? [00:48:11] Speaker C: That sounds about right. [00:48:12] Speaker D: That does. [00:48:13] Speaker C: That sounds about. [00:48:14] Speaker D: That's definitely a Travis thing. But also, I think. I think that's very much, like, on the outside, like, knowing who he is, that could be the first thing that we think. But also, I do believe that it was the human piece of, like, this is the start and this is the end at the same time. Like, colliding. [00:48:35] Speaker C: Yeah, I do representation of the ending because I was literally leaving, moving. Because I remember I got home that day to my new place, and I. [00:48:47] Speaker A: Was just like, this is it. [00:48:49] Speaker C: This is mine. I never live by myself. Yeah, never. And I was just like, I'm here by myself. [00:48:57] Speaker B: Felt really freeing. Yeah. [00:48:59] Speaker C: Like, just. I got my couch for the first time, like, everything. [00:49:03] Speaker B: Walking around naked, probably. [00:49:04] Speaker C: Yes. [00:49:05] Speaker B: Girl, that's my. [00:49:06] Speaker A: That reminds me. That Ari Lennox song all day. You heard the Ari Lennox song? [00:49:09] Speaker C: Which one? [00:49:10] Speaker A: It's the Ari Lennox song, and it's about. She's talking about her first apartment, and she literally sings about her. I'm gonna send it to you after this episode. Yes, please. That's what it sounds like. It was like I could walk around Nick. It was like. [00:49:20] Speaker C: It felt like that. It felt like, oh, whoa, I. I'm experiencing things by myself for the first time. And, like, because I. I always thought that you had to. Because I denied so much about myself. Like, I'm gender fluid. Like, so I, like, denied so much about myself in this. For once, I had the opportunity to just be who I wanted to be. [00:49:49] Speaker B: Did you always know you were gender fluid, or was this something you discovered after coming out of this marriage? [00:49:54] Speaker C: I always knew, but I kind of said no. Like, I knew. [00:50:00] Speaker B: Denied that piece of you. [00:50:02] Speaker C: Because I was like, no, that's not normal, because I also have autism, so. [00:50:07] Speaker A: But you also expressed that being in a marriage wasn't you anyway. So you were already playing a role, so you had to play that, too. To the highest capacity. Yeah, I can Imagine, because I was. [00:50:18] Speaker C: Like, okay, you got married. You have to respect this person, right? Because these are the values that are presented. And this is what you have to follow, right? Like, you're like, you're pregnant. You need to get married. Like, oh, no. I was at this point where I was like, oh, I'm. Why do my friends have kids and I don't have kids yet? I need to do that. And like, I felt a pressuring to do it, and I did. And I man the coolest kids in the world. Right, right, right. But I did feel a pressuring and I wanted to follow suit with the role that is presented. [00:50:57] Speaker B: And it's like these internal benchmarks that we set for ourselves that identify where we are in life based on what society thinks we should be doing at that point of our lives. [00:51:09] Speaker A: But not only that, but, like, I can hear it in your voice where it's like, if you could have been yourself, you might have done things differently, but you're so grateful for the life that you do have and the kids. Like, it's hard to say. I wish I didn't go that direction because, you know, you wanted to live a full, free, you know, authentic self life. But you also have your kids. And like, if you hadn't gone through this direction, this journey, you wouldn't have the kids. And so. So now it's like, you can't say that, but you can say that. [00:51:34] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:51:35] Speaker A: You know, it's like, I get it. [00:51:36] Speaker C: And like, feeling okay to say that. Right. I know for a very long time I felt bad saying that, but I feel so good saying it. [00:51:44] Speaker A: Right. [00:51:44] Speaker C: It feels freeing too. [00:51:46] Speaker A: Says because you're allowed to. You're allowed to want this and you're allowed to want it. [00:51:50] Speaker C: All the boys. And I'm good. [00:51:53] Speaker D: Like, it doesn't feel like there's regrets. Like, I think about life when it was the way it was in my past. I don't. I would never want to do that again. But I'm glad at what it brought because I think a lot of the, the. The trauma, the strife, like, the stuff that I had to work through and like, meeting you during the time you had some grief in your life that caused you to get counseling and stuff that you probably would not have sought after any other time. So the fact that, like, those events took place, you got the supports that you needed, I think it grounded you and made you a better person for this right now. You know what I mean? And like, we are like, the kids have counseling, I have counseling. Travis and I have like, everybody's being supported. And I think, like, that's a key element in order for people to have co parenting relationships. You can't just show up in yourself undiagnosed, unchecked, just in your toxicity and not knowing why it's that way and refusing to hear what people are saying about you or anything and just not having healing. And I remember moments where you had moved from another apartment and he went and he went to help you and you guys had another talk. You know what I mean? Like, so you've had like several talks with him to like really diffuse some of that stuff. And I think like, that was because. [00:53:26] Speaker C: We work through stuff. We're still working through things. Like. Yeah, because I think there's a lot of feeling that Travis has a betrayal for me just because of the fact that like, he has brought up. He's just like, why didn't you mention that you feel like you're gender fluid or like, yeah. [00:53:41] Speaker D: Like, why didn't you open to that? [00:53:43] Speaker C: You know, she's like, I just didn't feel it wasn't you. You weren't forcing me to be this person. [00:53:47] Speaker A: Somebody who wasn't. [00:53:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:53:49] Speaker A: Who he thought they were. Like, not in a negative way, but just like, we're married. You should be able to tell me these things and be honest with me. And he probably felt away and that's a stigma too. [00:53:58] Speaker D: Like, just because we're married doesn't mean, like, you should know these things. Like, that's. You think that's true, but if you don't share it, then you don't know. Like, you don't feel comfortable. If you don't even feel comfortable in yourself, you don't even know. [00:54:11] Speaker C: Yeah. Yourself. [00:54:12] Speaker D: How you gonna share what you don't know about? [00:54:14] Speaker C: Definitely can't do that. [00:54:16] Speaker A: So what advice would you guys give to other people who are entering like, co parenting situations? Like, what advice would you give? [00:54:25] Speaker C: Put the kids first. Is my first thing. Like, have an honest conversation. Of course. Assess your situation. Like, if the person's abusive or if there's like some craziness going on where you're like, no. In that realistically, a co parenting situation is not going to work with that person, then it's just not going to work. Like, right then Unless they want help. Right. But if there is that openness where it can just be a thing where you're just like, you know what? It's ending and it's ready to just. I have to move forward. Allow yourself to move forward and to create a relationship. [00:55:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:55:08] Speaker D: Yeah, Everything else said and like create boundaries. [00:55:15] Speaker C: Boundaries. [00:55:17] Speaker B: And just real quick with boundaries. Do you two have boundaries with each other? Is there anything that you don't share? Considering that you share so much? You guys have a similar ex current husband. [00:55:27] Speaker C: I think I share children. [00:55:29] Speaker B: I mean, is there anything that's like. You know what? I'm not going to talk to you about my sex life. Even though. [00:55:33] Speaker D: Yeah, you've been there, done that. [00:55:35] Speaker C: Who. [00:55:36] Speaker D: Who? [00:55:37] Speaker C: Because I do. I don't, I don't, I don't. No, no. But I do tell you about like dating and stuff like that. But yeah, we don't talk about sex. No, I don't want to know about none of that. [00:55:51] Speaker D: Like put your pants. Oh my God. [00:55:54] Speaker B: I thought I was tired of seeing them kneecaps. [00:55:57] Speaker C: Like your leg's white. He's white. He's white. [00:56:04] Speaker A: How much these matching skin. [00:56:07] Speaker C: But he's like white and Hispanic. He needs to step out in the sun and get some of that. [00:56:13] Speaker D: Oh my gosh. [00:56:14] Speaker A: Oh my gosh. [00:56:15] Speaker B: Listen, if anybody wants to reach either of you because maybe they could use advice on how to healthy co parenting, what's the best way we can get a hold of you? [00:56:27] Speaker C: What is my thing? My Instagram. I can open it. What is it? Say that again. [00:56:34] Speaker D: 805. [00:56:35] Speaker A: Yeah, 805. [00:56:36] Speaker D: E l l e. 805. [00:56:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:56:40] Speaker B: And if someone's looking for a doula, is that something you still do too? [00:56:43] Speaker A: No, she's in agriculture. [00:56:44] Speaker C: If you're looking to give. [00:56:48] Speaker B: In where. [00:56:49] Speaker C: They'Ll have her harvesting, where we going to be stuck for a while. But if you are looking for free food, I do work for a nonprofit called Feed Them Freedom and we have a place called the Black Food Community Center. It is open three days a week. We source out. Well, I source out from black and brown farmers in Oregon and also my herbalist too, so. [00:57:18] Speaker B: And if folks want to reach you, check us. Any advice or just to find out more? [00:57:24] Speaker D: It's he underscore called Underscore. Me underscore. He called me Oni. [00:57:32] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:33] Speaker D: On Instagram. Jamila Armstrong Trent on Facebook. I don't really check my Facebook. [00:57:38] Speaker B: Okay. [00:57:39] Speaker D: And yeah, I don't have any businesses. [00:57:43] Speaker A: Yes, this beautiful space that we're in, it's gorgeous. We're talking about how we find each other, where we come together at. And we are in our space because of the Poetic Justice Foundation. They do amazing things with curating wealth in the black community. So if you are interested in learning more about what the organization does as far as investing in properties and education around this and breaking these. These curses of our community being broke. Then you need to head over to the poeticjusticefoundation.org check them out, see what they got going on. Donate because because of them, we are in this space. But Nick B. Outside of this space, where can folks find you? [00:58:23] Speaker B: So I can be reached on all platforms of Dirty Roses podcast. You can send us an email, you can message us if you want us to read any listener letters or give you advice. And if you want to reach me specifically, you can always message me, inbox me at Nick B. Underscore Nick B. That's Nick with a K and that is on Instagram. And Ms. Lee Laree, if folks want to get a hold of you, how do they do it? [00:58:46] Speaker A: They can find me in St. Louis. I'm just. That might be my next location for my out of state dating. Anyways, y'all can find me on every single social media platform. It's Lee Laree. L E I G H L A R I E on every platform. And of course, like Nick B. Said, Dirty Roses podcast on all platforms. Dirty Roses podcast dot com. Leave a review, leave a voicemail, send us an email. You can send her pics, send me pics. You can ask for advice, all those good things. All of it. I'm going to work on my co parenting skills. You're going to work on finding you a co parent. I actually do you have a cat? [00:59:23] Speaker B: Say I. I struggle with that because my children's father is not in the picture. [00:59:28] Speaker D: Okay. All right. [00:59:32] Speaker A: Her children being her cat. [00:59:36] Speaker B: It's like they hid it and quit it and then left them at a cat orphanage where I found them. [00:59:42] Speaker C: It's okay. [00:59:43] Speaker A: Like most cats do. It's so stereotypical. [00:59:45] Speaker B: It's just the dad never sticks around. [00:59:47] Speaker A: On that note, we're going to somberly end this podcast. We'll catch y'all later. [00:59:52] Speaker B: Smacky's looking for his dad. Guess what, Rose buddies, we are thrilled to introduce our new sponsorship packages. Be sure to hit us [email protected] to inquire how we can showcase your brand on our platforms.